Low self esteem

I look in the mirror and feel disgusting. I look in the mirror and feel self hate. How could I have let myself get to this point? Over the past 5 years ive gained over 50 pounds and I’m scared I’ll keep gaining the weight. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t live like this anymore. I need the motivation to loose this weight. I wouldn’t consider myself morbidly obese, but I definitely don’t like the way I look in any clothing that isn’t loose.

We had sex last night and I could tell you weren’t into it. I could tell you were getting tired. You don’t even touch me anymore. You don’t call me sexy or beautiful anymore. You don’t do anything. You expect me to do all the work and get nothing out of it. I honestly think its because you think im gross. You think ive let myself go. And I have. I’ve gotten so comfortable that I just stopped caring.

But I look back, and I look at all these terrible eating decisions ive made. I drink so much soda a day, I probably eat buffalo wings 5 out of the 7 nights a week. I drink iced coffee with extra sugar every morning. I need to STOP.

I know you don’t think im beautiful anymore. I can see it in your face. I know you know that I know it. I know because yesterday I asked you if you wanted to stop having sex and you could just watch porn to “finish”, but you declined. Only to make me feel better.

I am ugly. I am fat. And I need to do something about it. I need to make this change now. Not tomorrow, not next week, but now. I’m going to start drinking more water, cut out soda and just drink all natural juice if I want something other than water. I’ll cut my portions to half and stop eating disgusting food when we go out to eat.

I wont do this for you, because you don’t deserve to love me during this new change since you haven’t loved me for years. I am doing it for myself, because I want to be happy again and maybe this is a start.

One thought on “Low self esteem”

  1. I love you. I don’t know who you are, never met you, and probably never will but I love you. We all have something to work on but it doesn’t mean we are disgusting or are bad people. Do what you want to do for you…no one else. Take a deep breath and you do you. Take care.

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