Sometimes I think my mom doesn’t really like me being her daughter. I feel as if she is ashamed of me and disappointed that I didn’t turn out like her ‘perfect’ image of me. When we are in a room alone she doesn’t really talk to me. I try to reach out and ask her questions, wanting to start a conversation, but she never really answers. Sometimes when I ask for her opinion on something, she mumbles “I don’t know” quietly, as if she is trying to tell me that she is uninterested in talking with me. The thing that hurts most though, is that when I leave the room and she is left with my younger sister or dad, she automatically starts having a full blown conversation with them. I can hear the change in her voice from my room upstair. I hear her laughing and her voice shifts from the quiet mumbles to the load babbling. I wish she could talk with me like that. It isn’t all her fault that our relationship isn’t very good. Throughout, the years we both have always argued. I made her cry and she has made me cry.
I guess the reason that we don’t really bond is because we basically are polar opposites. My mom sees everything differently. She has different views on religion, sexuality, freedom, and a lot of other controversial topics. I hate having to say it, but my mom is self-absorbed, materialistic, narcissistic, and perfectionistic. She always wants everyone to think that we are the perfect family and that we have the most lavish things. Like that time I was discharged from the psych ward and she didn’t want anyone to know what I was in there for. I was in there because I wanted to kill myself, but that is a story for another time. She never thinks she is wrong, in fact, I don’t think that there has ever been a time where she accepted that she was wrong. She always wants me to agree with her as if I’m not entitled to my own opinion. When I don’t do something she wants or think the same way as her, she always ends up being done with me and calling me immature and says “I don’t know what to do with you anymore” or “I can never talk with you, you’re impossible”. She gives up on me easily.
One time I asked her why she hates me and she didn’t reply back. I remember spending that whole day crying and feeling suicidal. I constantly over think everything and never really have a moment where I can clear my head. I think it’s impossible for me to clear my head. I thought about why my own mother doesn’t love me or why did I have to be such an unsuccessful, pathetic excuse of a daughter. Sometimes when something tragic happens (like when I went to the hospital or when my dad was going to leave us) she gets this realization of how she has been acting and she starts acting sweet. It’s like everything that was bad between us was never there. But days go by, and she slowly starts to go back to the way she was. It’s a horrible feeling when you remember the good days only to have the bad days slap you on the face like they are trying to tell you “Did you actually think it was going to get better?”
It’s not like she doesn’t do anything for me. She does a lot. She cooks, washes my clothes, and buys me stuff here and there. But, those are all just materials and I want there to be a hint of love or some sort of endearment. I feel bad that I was diagnosed with depression at a young age. I feel guilty because while I’m here sad and still have food, water, and shelter, others don’t have anything. It’s like I fight with myself saying that I don’t deserve to be sad. I can’t help it.
I think another reason my mom has thick walls around her is because she was belittled and hit at the beginning of her marriage to my dad. He doesn’t do that anymore, since they both went to therapy and I guess grew out of it (I don’t really know or remember), but I think just to have that happen to you has to have a great impact. So then I start to feel bad for her and forgive her for all the bad she might have done. It’s like this back and forth feeling. It’s exhausting. My parents still argue though, EVERY SINGLE DAY. I’m tired of it. There were times where I wished they had gotten a divorce and just be done with it. It;s weird that while so many kids are sad or scared that their parents may split, I’m here thinking it’s for the best.
I guess I’m done for today. I was feeling very down and almost suicidal today, which sucks because I guess my antidepressants aren’t working so off to a higher dosage or different medication! I just wanted to try this whole writing it out thing and it kinda worked. I calmed down. Does anybody else relate to this? I feel like I’m the only one of my friends that deals with this and it sucks because I have no one to talk to.