Home alone right now so I figured this would be a good chance to write some things down. Today was pretty uneventful I suppose. We are moving to our house that we fixed up in about two weeks now. It’s crazy how fast time flew. Today we packed up a couple more things. We are just so unmotivated lately and that really doesn’t help because damn we have a lot to do before the move. Although, we got a good bit done today so I feel good about that. Around 4ish we called it quits and the husband got ready to go babysit for a friend of ours. Honestly I probably should have went to but I don’t really feel like being around kids right now. That does sound awful especially writing it out like this but can’t really help it. I’m sure in time I’ll feel better about the whole thing but now…its still pretty hard. I have a friend who is pregnant right now and we were only about 2 weeks apart in our pregnancy. She is now starting to show and honestly, my stomach turns when I see her cutesy “baby bump” pics. I know how shitty I sound but seeing what I could be at this point just really sucks.
I guess the point of this post is to get out a few emotions that I am feeling tonight. I am at that point where my family and friends are over what I’ve been going through. They have moved out with their own lives and their own stresses, etc. It makes me feel like I should be over it by now too. I totally know that is not the case…that I can take as much time as I need but sometimes I do feel like that. I feel alone about it now. I don’t want to annoy anyone about it anymore. I feel like I just want to continue to get through it and talk about it but it’s old news to everyone else now and since I don’t want to annoy anyone about it I will keep quiet and try to deal with it myself and with my husband who is dealing with it his own way.
I also have been feeling more that people are just selfish beings in general. It’s not necessarily a bad thing it’s just how people are wired. I mean there are some good people out there of course but that is a separate thing I think. If you haven’t dealt with something on your own you will pretty much never really understand. People are people and that’s ok but damn does it make you feel lonely at times. I feel like the only way I can get some peace from this is if I go talk to a counselor or something. They will listen and not care how many times you bring up the same topic and will give you some ways to help deal with whatever it is that you are going through. Ultimately, they are good ways to get through something. But let’s face it…they get paid to listen to your shit. Now most of these people got into this field because they wanted to help people and listen and be a person that someone can count on–well I like to think that anyway. But do these people continue to care throughout their career? Maybe. I really don’t want to see someone but at the same time who else do I have? I think this is why I have decided to start journaling about all this crap. Maybe this is my out and something that I can look forward to to get out all the emotions and thoughts. I’m going to continue this and see where it takes me. Maybe it’s what I needed.
Until next time,