Being ugly

If you’re an in real life personal friend of mine, please do not try to talk to me about this, I’m not great with situations like that. Maybe it’s better if you don’t even read this. 

Being ugly is never an easy thing. Having low self esteem because of how you look is never an easy thing. It can affect everything you do, even if it has nothing to do with looks. Standing in front of the mirror for ages before you go out, deliberating wether to stay  home or not. Not trying to hang out with friends or start a conversation with new people because it’s too hard. Because your looks hold you back. What if they reject you because of how you look? People always judge you based on how you look. I know most people say they don’t, but nobody gives you a chance to look into your personality if the outside isn’t good enough. Heck, I’m guilty of it, but I know how much it hurts, so I’m trying to change.

I know, I’m just supposed to accept it but that dosent make it any easier. I avoid anything reflective, for if I catch sight of myself it’s hard to stop obsessing. So hard. 

I’m insecure about a certain thing, but as soon as I move on from that, or fix it (something I look into a lot, fixing my flaws) another thing on my face screams out for attention. My brain tells me I’m not trying hard enough to fix everything but at the same time, it’s just saying “oh my god. Give up”. I don’t even care anymore. Apart from, I do, way too much. 

That’s why sometimes online is easier than real life. That’s why I’m not social. People won’t judge if they can’t see you. Looks won’t hold you back either. 

Everybody tells me to get out more; oh please. Like I have the confidence.  I’m loud and I shout, but only around the people I know, I use that, as a mask to hide how I actually feel. But that mask is cracking. 

If I’m around somebody I don’t know- forget it.  We won’t talk. I’m not trying to be rude, I’m just shy. I’m sorry, im trying. I promise.


One thought on “Being ugly”

  1. I can sooo relate to this entry. Its like my brain vomited on your journal page. I want to hug you right now! I agree about the Internet too. Try to stay positive and when you do find yourself in a reflective place, try to focus on 1 thing. 1 thing you can say you like, even just a bit and only on some days; focus on that thing, that feature and nothing else.

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