Holidays are meant to relax, right?

As a college student, I don’t have that much vacation. Even when I do, they are a week-long which is not that great in my opinion. How am I supposed to relax when I have a lot to work on? I say that but, here I am, procrastinating. I never heard of this kind of website before, this is my first time trying such a thing. Hell, I usually hate to write my feelings because I can’t escape what’s happening if I do so. However, I need to write down and share what I do, or do not do because it is heavier each day. I just hope there is someone out there who could understand me?

Now; don’t get me wrong. I’m not depressed or anything, I just feel quite lonely. What I am supposed to do if I can’t even express myself correctly or talk to my best friend? I’m having a hard time since I’m in college. A lot is going on and when I look around me and I witness what other people are going through, I know I can’t say anything. Their lives are worse than mine, maybe I’m not worth their time of attention. Being an introvert doesn’t help either, people tend to leave me alone even when I don’t want them too. I’m always left out, and nobody hear me when I talk. People tell me to shut up when they hear me. I’ll talk about that later.

I can’t relax on holidays.

I love reading. Reading helps me keep my head out of the water, because time stops. I’m terrified of time, of the future, of the adult life. It kepts me safe from everything and I feel guilty about that because I’m not supposed to lock myself in my fantasies. I can’t help it though, it is way better than the real world. I’m not hurt when I’m reading.

Honestly, sometimes, I wonder what I am doing at college. I need a job, so I need to study. But, what’s the point? I don’t want to grow up, do taxes or whatever. This isn’t right for me, this isn’t what I want. I don’t need that. Am I strange? Am I broken? All of my friends are excited to get a job, live on their own and travel across the contry with their cars. And me? I hate driving for example, I can’t stand it and I don’t know why. (I hate to say it but, the only thing that would make me drive is a zombie apocalypse.) I’ll talk about that an another time as well.

What am I doing? I don’t expect any answers, but I hope one day I will have one. I should get back to work. I hate that stupid homework. I wish I was in my bed, asleep.

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