I may be whining but I don’t give a damn! My hurt and feelings are valid and I need to vent
At this point I’m really starting to think that I was destined to have a shitty life. Like seriously!! From the moment I could remember my life has been shit. YES! there are others out here who are going through worse. Those who aren’t even able to type this right now but FUCK THAT! That’s what I mean!! Why does it have to be that SOMEONE….ANYONE out here is living a shitty life. Homelessness, fatal diseases, missing limbs, chemical bombs in syria….hell all this shitty shit is has to happen BECAUSE WHY? That’s life? Man whatever, it never didn’t have to start out this way but I guess if it was a wonderful life for everyone MOTHERFUCKERS would still find shit to complain about. Never satisfied…..
I’m definitely NOT satisfied. I started out cursed. My big head father married my big head mother and they had my big head ass. I was a beautiful baby I was even in the newspaper but as I got older my beauty faded to say the least. I have a big head which is kinda oval shaped. My family has a history of gap teeth along with not developing many teeth and GUESS WHO GOT THAT. ME!! smh So I don’t have a lot of teeth and when I take my dentures out (yes dentures) I have a cigarillo width gap on top and a triple A battery length sized gap on the bottom. HAHAHAHA!! like that description? I keep the dentures in to eat and not look disgusting. but without my dentures I have a grand total of 11 teeth!! When I was about 11 I got braces to help close my top gap and I didn’t have my bottom gap then but I still had 4 baby teeth on the bottom with NO ADULT teeth underneath to replace them. Orthodontist decided to pull those 4 baby teeth and that’s how I got 11 teeth and some dentures. my dentures on top have 2 teeth to close my top gap and my dentures on the bottom have 4 almost adult looking teeth to close my bottom gap. Had that shit since middle school and I remember one day I FORGOT MY BOTTOM DENTURES!! I was still getting use to having them and I left them in the glass LOL! Got on the bus and freaked out when I realized I was about to be exposed. I tried all day not to speak. I said something to a boy when he asked a question but my mouth was tight AND He noticed. Stay quiet the rest of the day, went home, got my dentures then went to school the next day like NOTHING HAPPENED. But that boy he peeped what happened. and TIL THIS DAY I can’t confirm but I think that he spread a rumor (but really the truth) about me having no teeth on the bottom.
When I was 2 my parents divorced and then my mother married a man when I was 5 years old. I barely saw my real father and barely see him til this day…..but whatever. My step father raised me and did an okay job. He taught me how to ride my bike, took me shopping, vacations and him and my mother even had my baby brother when I was 9. I took care of him like he was mine. I changed his diapers, fed him, dressed him and anything I could do to take care of him. My mother loved it because it gave her a tiny break. His brother’s dad, my step dad was also A DRUNK! He never really hit me or my brother besides spankings. I do remember he spanked my brother with a vacuum attachment. smh. He would flick me upside my head and would just be rude and mean. Taunting me and my mother, just a drunk asshole. I think he use to hit my mother though. I remember waking up at night because I heard something coming from her room. I sat at door and heard her crying and him talking low but STERN. I can’t confirm if he ever use to hit her but he definitely was mentally and verbally abusive in my opinion. He tried to commit suicide a couple times in the house. Drinking toxic household or car liquids. I came home from school one day to find the ambulance in the driveway, walked in the hallway, glass was every where, some blood and a knife as well as some greenish fluid that was in a glass. Seeing him on that stretcher being carried about in an ambulance made me think ITS THAT EASY TO JUST KILL YOURSELF?
I’ve had suicidal thoughts. I even tried to do it. I put a strong shoe lace around my neck (didn’t have any rope) and tied it around this door knob and I leaned over. LMAO I didn’t know shit about killing yourself at that age about 13 I believe. Then when the shoelace didn’t work I went in my mother’s medicine cabinet looking for some pill and JUST MY LUCK there was some exlax and a bottle of ALEVE with 3 pills left. So I guess I was meant to stay alive. I wanted to die because I was bullied in school. Called big head was always questioned about why my teeth looked small and why I covered my mouth when I laughed. I was called ugly and people constantly talked about my teeth and wanted to know if my teeth were fake or not, among other shit but the point is made. I didn’t have many friends but eventually my funny personality won some people over and I made a few friends. Thank God for people with good hearts.
In highschool things changed can’t say for the better though but HEY I had a guy who called himself ‘HAVING A CRUSH ON ME’ and I gave up my virginity to another really cute guy. whoa I couldn’t believe it. Both guys were nice looking and popular. The one that I gave my virginity to we lasted for like 8 mths but the next guy would eventually end up being my child’s father. second guy well He was nice looking and kinda popular, tall and on the basketball team. We clicked and because good friends mainly because we were both kinda funny, him more than me. However a friend of mine liked him and I didn’t want to come in between that. They started ‘talking’ ( back then talking to someone was kind of a serious thing lol) but he put an end to all of that because he wanted to be with me. I kept saying no until eventually I gave in. then it was FIREWORKS! we hung out all the time, we had so much fun. Then I got a car so things really got busy lol. I met his all his family, he introduced me to WEED and drinking, X PILLS, taught me how to roll up and sell weed. Introduced me to the “hood life” and I FELL HARD FOR HIM. Like a childish fool I did anything I could to be with him and take care of him. I couldn’t believe someone really wanted me and didn’t really care or maybe he didn’t notice my mouth and my teeth. I even began to STEAL MONEY and STEAL ITEMS from my house or my parents go pawn them to get money just so me and my boyfriend could “KICK IT” I was such a dumbass that I stole from my job that cost me to miss my Senior prom and NOT INVITED to my own HIGHSCHOOL GRADUATION. I got my diploma though. But it caused my mother A LOT OF EMBARRASSMENT especially within the church. OH, yea because who I stole from was a Deacon and related to the Pastor of the church. SIGH! Many of my fuck ups that caused me to be where I am now. I only stole so I can buy my boyfriend shit. He didn’t have much at home because his parents really didn’t give a damn about him so I would buy his clothes, food, weed, drinks and we would get hotel rooms and fuck. But all of that cost me and my family some heartache and TIL THIS DAY we still never fully recovered from that. I mean come on THE GUY I STOLE FROM is a pillar of the church and you know how those church people can be, word got around fast and I was AND STILL AM marked.
All because of what really? I ruined my own life by being a fool and a thief for love. My family found out and really didn’t want to deal with me. Then an incident happened that involved me and my cousin that caused MOST of my other side of my family to not deal with me. It was my 18th bday party and I told my mom that after my house party me and some friends are getting a room at the motel to have a slumber party. like a good mom she was fishy about it but she trusted me to go. my cousin wanted to go too but i was like HELL NAW cuz her dad is hella strict but she said she asked him and he said it was cool. so me her and my boyfriend (same basketball guy who i stole shit for) went to the hotel and kicked it. The next morning we went to a restaurant to eat breakfast and BOOM my mother, my aunt AND MY COUSIN’S FATHER pull up on us and snatched me and my cousin out of there. Her dad was sooo pissed and so was my mother and that day I got labeled in my family on BOTH SIDES as a troublemaker as well as a thief.
FAMILY AIN’T SHIT sometimes…. but I some family may not know any better. A different girl cousin of mine had no idea what she was doing when she would PLAY WITH MY VAGINA under the covers when grandma would put us to bed. LICK my vagina and act like we were a couple under the sheets during bedtime. We were 6 or 7….and had been taking baths together since we were 4 so I guess she wanted to explore. So my 6 year old naive ass turned around and did the same shit to another girl cousin…..hell it was done to me so I wanted to see why she chose me. My aunt caught me and I told her I only licked her vagina because my cousin licked mine. I didn’t tell who did it to me because that girl cousin who I took baths with…was my very best friend in my mind and when I saw how mad my aunt was I knew what I did was wrong so I didn’t want my cousin to get in trouble. Til this day the cousin who molested me we are still cool but the cousin who I molested well we aren’t that cool anymore esp after HER DAD thought I dragged her to the hotel with me that night of my 18th party. (yea that same cousin) MAKE SENSE?
If you’re reading this I AM SORRY THIS SHIT IS SO LONG AND ALL OVER THE PLACE. I am just fed up with life right now. I am so tired that my whole entire life all the decisions I made and all the shit that I went through caused me to have this LAME ASS LIFE that I have now. I am a divorced woman, with children. one with my basketball boyfriend and the others are with my ex husband. I STILL WEAR DENTURES!!! My CREDIT IS FUCKED UP. 2 evictions and I am living with my parents….me and all my children. I AM STILL UGLY. Fat stomach, little titties, a little bit of ass lol. STILL NO RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BIOLOGICAL FATHER. (had to beg his ass to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day). I AM UNEMPLOYED with a 2 year associates degree from a community college because I DIDN’T go away to the school that I was accepted into because I wanted to stay with my basketball LAME boyfriend who I was stealing for and who was cheating on me the entire time we were together anyway. Shakey employment history. NO FRIENDS! Not close to hardly any of my family. OH AND I HAVE GENTIAL HERPES thanks to a man I fell in love with after my divorce. He was a piece of work….while we were sitting on the couch making out, a bitch knocks on his door and he walks out with her and told her that he didn’t even know me and told me that this bitch is his woman NOT ME. (I just made a really long story super short because there was a lot of other shit that happened but this entry is already LONG AS FUCK) and to top it all off….my little brother that I took care of and was EVERYTHING TO ME WELL HE DIED and has been gone not that long so it’s still kind of fresh. When he died I TRIED ALMOST EVERY DRUG just to die because he was truly the only real friend I had. Now my brother is buried next to his dad…the one who tried to kill himself (he died of liver failure and not suicide)
So as I sit here high off weed and little bit of glass that I smoked (just a $20 bag of glass not big at all for my ice users) I begin to think why shit didnt happen for me…I have these thoughts all the time EVEN WHEN I AM SOBER SO ITS NOT THE DRUGS.
I am a singer and songwriter and I have been told constantly that I have a beautiful voice but I never took it seriously. definitely could’ve had a singing or writing career and made millions but Now it’s too late I guess. I’m OLD, well not that old lol. I have children. I’ve smoked so much MARIJUANA I feel I messed up my voice. plus I’M UGLY let’s not forget that.
Why did my ex husband have to be physically and verbally abusive to me? Why did every man I was with cheat on me? Is it because of my dentures….or maybe my ugly face they can’t handle anymore once they get bored of my wonderful personality.
seems like I will never get out of this hole that I am in. I had a GREAT JOB but they fired me over something they could’ve prevented (another very long story) so now I’m broke, on food stamps, looking for an evening job because I have no one to watch my youngest child. student loans, fucked up credit, fucked up banking history, my car is breaking down, I need NEW DENTURES, and thanks to my wonderful children my pussy is loose now according to my ex husband and the man who gave me herpes.
i know my life isn’t that bad but like I said why can’t we all just have a good decent life. ppl say we shouldn’t complain because it could be worse. TRUE THAT but fuck that I’m glad that my life isn’t worse or hasn’t been worse BUT LET ME CRY AND COMPLAIN about the worse that i’m going through. I mean shit….it’s not the worse but for me it’s bad and the shit that has happened HURT! I left out A LOT of things that has happened in my life.
why do I have to be a big head ugly herpes infested woman with a loose pussy, bad credit, no job, associates degree, small titties and little booty mother who keeps getting into shitty relationships with shitty guys who break her heart and cheat or abuse me and then I have to walk aroud with HORRIBLE DENTURES because I HAVE NO INSURANCE.
I cried it out in the shower and that felt good and after typing this I feel a little better. I had to vent and now My high is starting to come down….I’m crashing LOL so I’m getting sleepy.
GOOD NIGHT AND I HOPE YOU ENJOYED MY VERY FIRST JOURNAL ENTRY.