Beginning of Marriage

After my relationship with my fiance was ended, I worked and dated a bit. After a while I gave up and decided that I wanted to stay single for a while. I had a group of friends that I hung out with, and that was how I met my husband. He had just gotten out of a divorce and said he just wanted to be friends as well. We all did things together like going to the beach as a group of friends. As we talked about my current husbands past, I felt like he was an honorable person. He had just gone through a divorce and gotten out of the army. His ex wife cheated on him with his best friend and he still tried to make things work. He seemed to be over the relationship. I developed a crush. One of the friends in our group had developed a crush on me as well, although I told him I wasn’t ready for a relationship at the time. Then one of the nights we were out we had a little to drink, and my husband and I got together. We didn’t want it to be a one night stand though, so we agreed to start a relationship. I rushed things as usual, and we ended up getting an apartment together within a few weeks and I was pregnant soon after. After I had found out, we started having issues.

We had very different ideas about what we wanted. I also felt that my husband had made things seem like he had been divorced much longer than he had. I also found out that his ex wife was pregnant, and that the child may be his. He had communication with his ex, and she didn’t feel that things were completely over. She would message him about how she missed how he would hold her and make attempts for them to get back together. Although he told her that she should only communicate with him regarding the pregnancy, it still  made me insecure. After he finally put his foot down on her attempts she stopped messaging him  completely. He had his doubts if the child was his as she had cheated on him, so he didn’t really pursue her. He was caught between the two of us, and so I think he avoided trying to keep in contact with her to avoid conflict with me.

My husband had a drinking problem, and he tried to sneak a lot of porn behind my back. At that point it wasn’t so much the porn that bothered me, but the sneaking around and lying that disturbed me. When he would get drunk he would get so mean. He never laid a hand on me but his words still seems to leave a scar to this day. Some of the things he said made me question our entire relationship. He told me things like he didn’t think I was girlfriend or wife material. We started fighting a lot, but tried to work through things. Then he considered joining the army again and I got really insecure and scared. I wanted to get married, and ended up talking him into a wedding at the courtroom. To this day though I feel like it was something that he didn’t want,and I didn’t do it for the right reasons. But I still value marriage and have tried to work through my feelings on the issue.

I tried to spice things up in our sex life by trying new things with my husband. I got movies for us to watch together, but he still snuck behind my back. I eventually got pushed to the limit and called for a separation. It was really hard for me to do. I think it was a wake up call for my husband. He was hurt by me leaving and had his best friend come stay with him. His friend talked some sense into him and felt that we should try to work on things. My husband tried everything to get me to come back. He wrote me love letters, and we spent a lot of time talking. I agreed to come back and try to work on things, but sex started becoming painful for me. As much as I tried to forgive what had happened, I just couldn’t shake the pain away. I tried seeking counseling, and a medical doctor about it. I was diagnosed with vaginismus. My muscles would spasm whenever we tried to have sex making it painful. I went to physical therapy to try to help, and was prescribed a medicine that might be able to help with the pain. It helped a little but it is still a struggle to this day. One doctor said that the birth of my first child had tore me and I didn’t heal right, and that having another child might help, so we tried. But things didn’t really get better. Even though my daughter was born at term, she had pulmonary hypertension when she was born, and was in the NICU for 8 days. I was so scared to take her home after it was all over. Thankfully, she recovered fully and doesn’t have any permanent medical conditions from it. But going back to work after that was very hard. It was hard running a house, being a mom, and working. My husband felt that staying home would be the best option for us as I wasn’t making much, and childcare was so expensive. I was torn. I loved my job, but was happy to be at home with my kids.

At this point, my husbands ex wife came back into the picture. She had her child and was struggling financially so she had applied for financial aid. To help reduce costs, the state will pursue the father to try to get support set up. We went through a legal battle. Initially we wanted to find out for sure if the child was his so we requested a paternity test and it came back that he was the father. At that point their marriage had ended so badly that she questioned whether or not he would be a good father. At the same time, the state was trying to pursue prior medical costs completely out of pocket, which would have financially devastated us. We would have included his son on insurance if we had known. His ex wife tried to say that she would pay everything out of pocket if he gave up his rights. We talked and felt that it wasn’t in his best interest to do that. At some point, he’d want to know who his father was, and didn’t want him to feel abandoned. My husband had been a good father to our children. To earn her trust we started with supervised visitation and graduated from there. I have actually become friends with his ex wife, and gotten her side of the story. We also ended up winning our case against the state. The judge decided that it would be in his sons best interested if we weren’t devastated financially, and that we would be able to support him better financially if we didn’t have so much to pay back. We immediately got him insured at that point. We lived in a very small house at that point, so after we recovered from the legal costs, we worked on repairing our credit and getting our first home. And that brings me to where I’m at currently.

 

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