Wednesday April 12th

I took my 3rd test today. I still have 2 more to take- Educating All Students and then the math part of the multi-subject test. I won’t find out for 3 weeks if I passed the one I took today or the 2nd one I took on Monday. I will have to re-take those if I didn’t pass. I have no clue if I passed the one I took today, or how I could prepare for it if I have to re-take it. No clue.

I had yet another blip/moment of panic in my DOE employment saga. I still didn’t have email access today, and I was told last week that if I didn’t have it by the 12th, to call them back. I did, and the tech guy told me I “was not active”. I about had a panic attack. I was trying to enjoy myself at the Fashion Institute of Technology Museum, and I had to race out of there when I got this phone call and I headed to Brooklyn to the DOE office, because I can literally get there faster than I can talk to someone if I call. The hold time is about an hour. Ugh. So I also talked to my principal and he hadn’t put me in Galaxy, so tomorrow I should get a new email saying I have been nominated for a position, yadda, yadda. And the guy at the DOE today told me it should go faster through the process this time. One would only hope. 

I have a Bumble BFF meetup tonight. She is supposed to text me when she is 45 minutes out. We were supposed to meet around 5:30, but she said she is running late. 

I will be so glad with I get hired and set up with DOE officially for the obvious reasons, but also so that I can get my insurance info so that I can get with a therapist. I really need that in my life. When you are an adult child of an alcoholic, you have no fucking clue what normal is, and I never know how I should react to things, what things are too much or not enough or whatever. 

I know that I need to leave the past in the past. I need to forget about Brent and let my marriage be dead- let it rest in peace. Even though I am more than willing to admit that our problems were my fault to some degree- he was not innocent. He lied. He lied a lot. He lied about really stupid stuff that made no sense. Like saying that Wynn and Vicki were going to take care of us when then inherited all that money from his father’s death. I believed Brent- that they had said it, because he was my husband, and why would he lie? Why would he lie? I mean, eventually, I would see that they were not giving us money. I don’t understand liars. I guess they get some sort of positive reinforcement from the reaction of people when they tell them the lie, and then they don’t worry about the consequences of the lie at that moment. 

I am a sweet girl that has had a horrible life. I deserve someone that would treat me well.  I was not a perfect wife, but I had no idea what that even was. I tried to be the perfect mom and never even tried to do the wife thing, too. I tried to give my kids a good life. I did try to do that. 

I have to let go of all the stuff I have done in the past that I am ashamed of. Right now, I have the perfect opportunity to start fresh with a brand new life. I have a new job, a new apartment, in a brand new state. I could not ask for a fresher start. I cannot allow the past to pull me down. 

I would like more than anything to have some friends. I would really like to have a best friend. Someone that I could talk to about anything and that really cared about me. I don’t know about finding a romantic relationship here. I don’t know that I will find a romantic relationship on a dating site. 

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