Moving fast forward

My first entry is directed to certain people in my private life. Thank you for causing me so much misery, heartache and hell. You have no idea how that has benefited me, especially tonight.

To F.A. and S.M, a great big no thanks to you, but I overcame. I have proven I can survive without you. It has taken me almost half a century to come to terms with your lack of confidence in me. The negativity and lack of compassion is almost unforgivable, but I will do it. For me. I must. I have accepted the fact no apologies will be given, no admissions of fault will be made. Anything good in me came straight from you. Keep believing that if it makes you feel better. I’m okay with your oblivion. I realize I sound ungrateful. I am not. thank you for the good you did for me. I have thanked you many times, and will always love you no matter what.

To D.R and S.D., Oh… you two. Every time I feel helpless with my nose to the ground, all I have to do is think of the betrayal, the cold knife piercing straight into my belly while you looked me in the face and laughed. I truly bled and a part of my heart still bears the scars. Twenty eight years later, all I have to do is think of you, and I can take on the world.

J.D., You have been the apple of my eye turned bone in my throat. You really think your Peter Pan ass has anything to teach me? Do you honestly think anything you say to me can possibly hurt me anymore? Think again. Too many years ago, I dived down that rabbit hole to your rescue. After years of being down there with you, discovered to my horror that is exactly where you wanted to be. I’m done, Babe. I’m clawing my way out of here and back into the light without you. Can you hear me as I climb higher? Yes, Dearest Heart. That’s me, with the distant voice not so quick to run and kiss and hug you anymore. Your Mom. You come around to cut and use me. I warned you, Son. You can’t play me anymore. I am not your fiddle. I am not one of your cell mates, street pals or whatever you call those pathetic people you call “friends”. You don’t have friends. You have drug appointments. I’m just too tired for it anymore. I can’t. I won’t. You know I will never be anything but loyal and faithful, loving you even after there is no breath in me. I still pray and hope to see you in the light above the ground. I see you in my mind’s eye–happy with a good job and a good woman who loves you back. I see you healed, released, well and whole. I still pray, Son. Always. I still hold on, but have let go of what used to be. I hope to see you around soon. Stay in touch… or not. Okay. I will accept what is and stop crying because I am tired of that too.

…and your stupid friends T. and L.P. can pay the entire price for the sorrow they have heaped upon my sorrow. It will take me some time to forgive them. For the record, I don’t give a rat’s ass what either of those wicked creeps think of me.  I never thought much of them to start with. I treated them with grace as I was supposed to, and have no regrets about that, but always knew my age and experience could see around corners they (and you) could not. I won’t say it to your face for the sake of grace and decency, but hear this from my journal– I TOLD your dumb asses. There. I feel much better now.

D.W., You selfish snake. I never realized how bad it really was and has always been until the past two years. Keep hiding in your hole with your face in your screens. You forsook me at my lowest point. I have a long way to go towards forgiving you. I don’t even know who you are. With God’s help, I will be fine without you somehow. Thank you for allowing me just enough basics to survive the past two years since I have been at my lowest. You did the least you could possibly do. That will be hard to forget… and whatever ya do, keep reminding me what a hassle I’ve been and how tired you are. As hard as you played me in your earlier years, I guess you wore yourself out while I was wearing myself out being married to myself, working full-time, mothering your kids and you too. Oh yeah. That’s how it was. Sad, sad.

C.B.D., Oh… the grief is untold, Sis. I will see you in Heaven. You didn’t mean to hurt me but it’s been too hard and I still get angry with you at times. It made me stronger, though. We’ll talk there some day. I still love and miss you more than I can express.

Thank every single one of you mentioned above for reminding me what a strong and determined force I have been and still am. I’m getting up and out again… and I will no longer allow any of you to hinder me in any way. I’ve turned a bit mean in order to get up from all of this. Just stay away from me. I only need you now to use you… to help me remember my own resolve.

One thought on “Moving fast forward”

  1. Wow Lilah, I see you’re working through deep and intense stuff. Life has thrown quite some challenges your way. Good on you for taking a stand like this. Wishing you love and light on your way.
    Your post reminded me of a quote: ‘I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.’

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