The morning after

6.35 AM
Hm slight headache, what day is today? Saturday.

And there it is.
It’s all coming back to me now.
It really did happen.
Must sleep some more.

7.10 AM
More sleep did not happen.
More thoughts did.

Surprisingly relaxed thoughts though. No panic. No regrets. I seem to not care so much. Or rather I trust that it’ll be fine. A few years ago I’d be all over the place, anxious, filled with regrets, guilt, should have’s and what if’s. I’m actually very calm right now. Worries about the future or regrets about the past aren’t going to get me anywhere. I like to believe this is another example of the profound effect of yoga and meditation. Having said that, I’ll meditate right now.

8.03 AM
Calmness is nice and all but I do want to figure this out. How to proceed? If someone told me this happened to them I’d tell them no good can come from this, no doubt about it. End it now and pray on your bare knees that it will not have any negative consequences. Strangely enough being in the situation, it doesn’t feel like there’s a problem. On the one hand there’s only a problem if you create one. On the other hand take your own damn advice and don’t mix work and play. The risk is not worth it. It’s not like there aren’t enough men available out there. This ends here.

8.30 AM
Or maybe just one more time?

NO.

But can’t we just be friends with benefits? Agreeing that it will not become more than a physical transaction, it’s just two people finding comfort in each others company?

NO.

Why not?

Because it never works out that way. It always gets messy. And when it does you don’t want the subject of the mess being your boss. At least now there’s still a chance to wrap it all up, laugh about it and leave it behind. Who knows what happens after the second time or the third time? If I’m only in it for fun, for play, then I should find someone who doesn’t write my paycheck.

Good to have you back Sensible Sally.

5 thoughts on “The morning after”

  1. Hi Lilah, that’s really thoughtful of you. I’m doing okay, thank you for asking. I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t get back to sleep. Maybe there’s a bit more to it in my mind than I’m letting in.
    How are you?

  2. I’m okay. A lot on my mind. Sometimes too much to write. Back to work for you in the morning? Just wondering if you were feeling anxious about that.

  3. I know that feeling, too much too write. Even though knowing that when I do write, all of it becomes less, smaller, quieter.
    No work until Wednesday. Not anxious, but wondering if we should talk about it before we meet at work. Or just let it go, be in work mode like it’s a parallel universe and see what happens. I think I’ll go with that.
    Over the last two years I’ve learned that worries and anxiety are usually about the future. A future that doesn’t exist, because you never know what will happen. No matter how long and hard you think about it, it will never play out exactly like you thought it would. So by letting go of expectations and possible scenarios I try to stay present and deal with things as they present themselves. Brings me a lot of peace and calmness. It’s not a mastered skill though, work in progress.

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