I don’t know

I like this picture…me and my aunt years ago in Mexico.

I’m starting to feel rather strange and uneasy. I think it’s my 15 years of devoting my life recklessly to self harm, suicide attempts and mental health hospitals catching up on me. Now that I’ve attempted to ditch it, life is trying real hard to sabotage the chance the arrival of my son gave me back in June 2015. That’s why I’m feeling so…nervous and unsettled. I thought Harry was doing much better with the new contact arrangements that have been made, but last night he was up again in the middle of the night, I had to feed him at 2am. It may have been coincidence, but several times this has happened now. He never wakes up in the middle of the night unless there has been his three hours of contact with his father that day. I’m not saying I don’t want Harry to see his father, I’m just saying Harry is still not quite as settled yet as I thought. Yesterday he did the whole trying to shut the door constantly on his father thing again too. Even though I’m feeling uneasy too, I need to stay strong to get Harry through this too. Just hate that I’m starting to not feel that good. This whole GP letter thing is hanging over my head as the deadline is in nine days. GPs aren’t known for being that fast and carrying out tasks.  All the documents my solicitor needs are with him now…but it’s hard waiting. I just have a real bad feeling and I hope my solicitor and my GP prove me wrong.

I hate feeling so weird! I have always been aware, even when Harry arrived, that I’d have to build my own life for me again…Harry has to go with it! 15 years of being completely messed up has prevented me from completing my education and caused my psychiatrist to warn me all the time never to go for paid work because basically it would cause me to crash and burn. I suppose she was right, as I always ended up in hospital for long periods of time, my work would certainly not have been able to carry on if I’d had any.

*****

A few hours later! Got interrupted by Harry being dropped back. The other family had a large gathering at their house since it’s Easter Sunday so Harry’s behaviour is extremely odd…now he’s the one feeling weird too! I’m sure he’ll be fine, he’s just not used to it so he’s extremely bad tempered, over excited, easily upset and restless. He’s also being extremely clingy with me now, when they dropped him back he didn’t even want my mum to hold him, it had to be me. He fell asleep in my arms for a little while but woke up when I tried to put him down. Hopefully he’ll have an early night tonight but won’t wake up at 2am like last night! Harry’s just a bit young for what his other family are expecting of him, he’s not two yet. I just hope these high expectations don’t cause Harry any harm in the end. He’s been having a good play with me since waking back up.

Well, Happy Easter peoples.

xxx

2 thoughts on “I don’t know”

  1. RebelDemon, Thanks for your comment on my last post. How are you doing? You look great with your aunt. You seem to be at peace and happy. I really admire your strength to keep fighting for your kid. Keep going strong!

  2. I am not too good! Struggling with Harry and this court order! Harry knows something is going on but he’s confused and can’t talk yet so is an absolute nightmare when he comes back from being three hours with his dad! I am very tired. Thank you for asking though, I appreciate the concern! How are you?

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