04.17.17

As I sit here an wonder what in the hell I am doing wrong to make myself feel this way, I am lost. The only thing that I can think of doing is start to write about how I am feeling in this moment and time, kind of like a journal type thing, to try and understand moments like these. It seems as though the harder I try, the harder I fall and honestly it is exhausting. The feeling inside me consists of feelings of doubt, loneliness, emptiness and unease; I don’t know how it became this all I know is it feels like I am having a heart attack. I want to scream to the world what’s really going on inside this mess of my head but in all honesty… I don’t even really know myself. I know how capable I am, how strong and worthy I am, but still, I feel nothing. Like I am nothing. I sit around the ones I love and who love me and think of how I can’t stand this and how I feel I am the only one left on this Earth. I often imagine myself floating in the open waters, hearing only the sounds of the water in my ears// oh how peaceful and precious that feels// and drifting away into nothing. Nothing. Trapped in a mind that I feel is not my own, and breathing with water filled lungs, struggling to remember my own name.  As I pass day through dreaded day, I feel my once known self slowly disappearing into such sweet nothing. Nothing. That would feels so safe and understanding lately. Why is that? Why is it that I was once this girl with big dreams and ambitions, a girl who could make anyone burst into tears of laughter, a girls heart who had a warm, blood filled heart pumping with joy and now feel nothing? Who am I? Where do I belong? How do good things fall apart? In other’s eyes I am not doing so badly, but in my own I’m failing. I need to remove my skin and start again but how does one do that? I want to drive until the feeling of bliss overtakes every little bit of emptiness, until all the voices in my head shut up, until I can find a little part of who I once was. I am a ghost of a girl who I admired and was so proud of, I am haunting myself of self-hatred, disgust, bitterness and emptiness. Am I okay? No. I do not think so. Not today. Do I pop a pill hoping that this feeling with subside until I feel I am ready to battle this? Or do I sallow the demons and keep them locked inside the pit of my stomach? Or perhaps suffer in silence as the one I love sits beside me, not having a clue what ruins I am in? No. I don’t know. I have listened to this song a thousand times and I can’t seem to stop, how the words are understanding my pain. “I’ve been searching for a trail to follow; again” So familiar those lyrics feel. As I spin around the carousel that won’t stop, I’m thinking, “Do I want it to?”. I’m not sure. I’m not sure of anything anymore, not even the way my skin feels even seems real. I am nothing. Completely nothing.

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