ALL I WANT IS A CHANGE TO BE WHO I AM TO BE MYSELF

BEFORE YOU  START READING THIS YOU CAN FREELY LISTEN TO THIS WHILE READING IT WILL RELAX YOU SO YOU CAN READ IT AND FEEL THE WORDS 

 

 

Hello.. My name is Marta.. I am about to be 17 years old.. I was born on 24th October 2000.. I’ve finished primary school and now I am in high school, medical beautician school.. I love english and my dream was since idk since I was little to move somewhere away, to move to England or Norway.. I speak english everyday and I really love it and use it a lot for example youtube, my instagram, when im blogging or something.. when i write songs poems even dairy as you can see Idk why is it liek that I just love english.. Do what you love, love what you do just my parents dont understand it or anyone from my family or people around me who dont know english and just liek different stuff.. I love music and art.. Idk art is hard to explain.. what s art? well art is an unexplainable creation of your mind of your soul.. I like watching anime and I like makeup is like my passion art as photography makeup art as painting or drawing art as writing.. I can call myself an artist even a dreamer more daydreamer cause I think a lot.. wish my parents could understand me.. Cause I am not like every single girl on dis planet we are all different on some way I do agree no matter how similar we are.. but some peopel are afaraid to show theirself hiding behind the mask.. we are all weird but only the most honest ones the strongest show it.. for example my class they all dye their hair same and stuff.. I always when id say even as a young kid as a girl that has 5 yrs old when id see a picture or someone with not usual hair color it would it would just bring me such a happiness.. My parents just dont understand me rare peopel does… but many people send me a message or soemthign that they support me and tell  me hey you are talented you have got an beautiful talent and many people told me as i know  by myself many people told me that art as music drawing etc is not what you learn its what you were born with only problem is that your closest like a family doesnt support you in that if that makes you happy they say its not about money then what is it about? about how I look? what? they tell me not to take bad comments from people and their though about me my expression.. I expres myself through art through hair dying.. When I was young I i mean when idk I had like 5 6 years old maybe even 4 I dont remember all I remember I drew a girl with blue greenish i think torquise hair and I sisters lived with me they were still like in high school I think and they’ve asked me why did I drew blue hair and I said I like it dey were liek laughing asked me ”will you have that hair color when you grow up” and guess what I said yes.. and guess what today as a 17 years old girl I really do wanna dye my hair that color I have always wanted that you know why.. Ofc I am an artist I love art artists love colors.. My life is pretty hard  and as a kid I didnt have good experiences with other people even family.. Its hard to explain.. My world is black and white and dying my hair would bring some color into my gray and gloomy life as the sun turns gloomy and cloudy weather into warm and beautiful day.. or even like a moon in the night and stars.. theyre shinging theyre so bring and I love them they are beautiful.. what would night be without the stars and the moon it would be just black dark boring sky but when the moon comes out and when the stars are scattered all around the sky it makes sence it makes a beautiful connection between dark and light just like a galaxy its beautiful its breath taking.. thats how dying my hair works for my life it gives me courage to show myself.. it makes me happy it makes me live a life without thinking what will other say only cause I love it so much also Its so hard to say to my parents all dis on nice way cause idk I have never share these things with them never shared my though with dem so they can see how do I think.. I just want them to know the way I am thinking the way I am feelings but its so hard to say.. dey just dont get me all the things I do… also makeup yes I understand I cannot go to school like having my full face weird painted or something.. my parents say when I am home I can do my makeup picture it and share it on fb but when I do makeup at home they keep complaining that I am spending my makeup by the way almost all makeup I have got its the makeup i bought with my money I dont eat at school I save money and buy it by myself my parents never bought me makeup  also i am good student at school why why so many stress so many hate about me at lest since i got depression dey could let me do those few things I love not take it away from me and tell me you have to be everyone else yes I am lonely cause its hard to find people that understands you but its not imposibble… this year was realy really intensive… after the first grade of high school I was on summer holidays yes I didnt leave my room at all.. All  I did was watching movies and just sitting in the dark in room idk I was just depressed sometimes It just comes by it self it doesnt need any reasons.. sometimes there are reasons but reasons are mostly history that cannot be deleted from my mind but I wish I could delete all the shits that happened.. I was always depressed always since I was idk but I had the most hardest biggest and paintful skill to hide it from parents.. cause dey never understand or want to understand.. Few months ago like 2 months ago I finished in mental hospital I found similar people like me there depression and stuff and I added them on face book and outside the hospital none talk to me none talk to eachother its just  who you meet and forget but I dont really wanna forget those people they helped me also the doctors and all I will never forget them trying to help me and these scars i got on my hands will be reminders of their trying to help me they do try to help me bu thtey cannot control whats going on at home and their behaviour.. my parents are mad at me idk also when I try to tell them someting I canoot tell them normal it always seems liek im yelling at them its not me yelling at them but just im full of emotions thats why I can mostly only express myself through words because words you ca read dem by yourself somethimes words are more powerful than voice thats why and its just hard for me to talk  with them i know they all good for me and stuff but they sometimes even just a little need to think that i am not stupid ive got my mind more matured than others i guess i feel like i am mor ematured then other girls in my age for real and also I tell them truth i awlys tell them truth even when i tell them truth they get mad so what should i lie so they get mad or should i keep tellig them the truth and be open to them and then dey get mad anyway.. Before few years idk i dont remember exactly when it was cause it was a long time ago i meet one person online yea i know what my parents are thinking this is internet you cannot trust anyone be careful ther are lots o weird people yes i do know them ive get many crazy people on facebook and stuff and they tried to talk to me but ive blocked themall i am not a small kid  i am not naive if i am naive id  be already hurt or soemthing would happen to me i am careful i dont just give people my personal information liek that also that friend i know for liek 2 nowo 3 years i tihnk he was always there when nobody was and my parents still dont believe me they never believe me anythign this person really helped me in my life even when i wasnt there he was always there for me he care its not just like internat so what its just some guy from internet and thats all if he was one of those persons who use people from internet he wouldnt stay for me like 3 years maybe 4 all the time and he would be here for me if he wanted to hurt me i know almost all of his friends all of his family almost all of them how can he hurt me so i decided if this will help them my parents get me and nderstand me then i will always write them when i got a problem or something its how i used they never ever used words like i am sorry or like are you okay my parents never did that or they too busy or they just never do it so thats why i am not used on telling that to them i am actually scared of my parents.. i dont hate them i dont do bad stuff on purpose my emotions are too strong so it turn out like im agressive and yelling at them because my emotions are just too strong soowe start a fight and just idk.. and about that reporting and all report them to other people i didnt report them to police i just said what my feelings and fears were since my mom was scaring me that dad would kill me or something just how can i feel safe with them if they  always scare me and tell me the worst things that migh happen and they might not be true thats why im scared of them also about how i look how i dress what ilisten to what i draw how i do my makeup god gave us bodies and he gave us clear faces and just clear bodies but he gave us talents and he decided who we are inside and he gave us an options how we will use our talents how we will express our selves and just my way of expressing my art is hair and my makeup cause makeup is my passion not all ppl can understad maybe i am in small village and small town and maybe its weird to most of the people like my parents that i do weird makeup its jsut who i am why to be covered under he mask all i want is a chance to be myself i want a changce to show myself toa world my talents my thoughs my words my abilities all i want from my parents just to let me be who i am ” just be yourself”

Leave a Comment:

SCROLL TO TOP