Monday April 17th

I am feeling okay today. I walked- even jogged some this morning. I so know that exercise helps my depression so much. I hate being fat, but even if I didn’t care, I should exercise just to help with my mental health every day without question. I know it will be tougher to be motivated to do it when I am working, but I just need to do it. I did it before- I used to go to the gym every day when I was teaching at Dunbar. 

I have to keep pushing. I will have my health insurance lined out within the next month, and I can get started seeing a therapist again. I can get to a doctor and see about my medicine- get a new opinion about what I’m taking and if it’s right for me. I sure do have some really dark days and I think about suicide so often. That has been my reality for more than a year now. I will try my best to get some help as soon as I am able. I have some money in the bank- not very much, but I will be able to pay my rent for at least 2 more months. Hopefully my job will start paying me soon. And then the next hope is that I can get paid the right level- or what I think I qualify for without a lot of issues. I should get paid for May and June the full amount I can qualify for, so that leaves July and August to try to make it through. And, I know that once I live through this one bad summer, money wise, I will be on my regular pay starting in September forward. And, when my lease is up in February, I can either get a cheaper place if I need to, or if Richard does move here and split a place with me, I will be able to spend less on living expenses. I signed up today to teach summer school. If I didn’t have that trip to Lexington planned, I would be hoping for a full time job for summer school, but since I have that ticket and all that money already spent on my surgery, I want to go. I am hoping for the opportunity to substitute. That would be great. If I could work those weeks I am in the City, that would be of tremendous financial help to me. 

I just want to be happy. I want to be able to feel happy. I want to have a friend- a best friend. I want to have a boyfriend that loves me and that I really, really love. Everything I read on happiness and satisfaction/contentedness with your life centers around relationships. I want to find these relationships so that I can be happy. Just happy.

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