It’s my first Easter without my grandparents.
When I was younger we always had Easter dinner together. Over the years holidays have come to a stop, and now we only really have anything because of Sawyer.
I brought some dinner out to my dads tonight, spent a few hours with him and my baby. It was a good time. I brought him a bouquet of flowers and when I left I went over to my aunties down the road and gave her a bouquet of flowers.
My aunt has been going through my grandmas pictures trying to organize them, doing so she is finding all these little notes that my grandma left behind. One note reading “Help Me”
My grandma was in more pain that we even understood.
This breaks my heart.
As soon as I left my aunties driveway I called my grandma, knowing she wasn’t going to answer. I just felt like I needed to hear the rings.
So I called and it rang. The rings seemed so hollow and long. Each time it would ring my stomach felt tighter and tighter. She never set up her answering machine but at some point in the last month she did. I bet my aunt did it for her. And it let me leave a message. I felt like I was talking into an empty building and my voice was just echoing.
I said, “Hi grammy, just called to say I miss you and I love you”
By the time I got to the “Miss you” part, I lost it. The tears didn’t stop until I got to my house.
I literally talked to my grandma all the way home. I told her that perhaps the part that calmed me wasn’t me talking to her every day, but hearing HER talk to me.
I miss her voice.
She is who I call when the weather gets bad and I’m having to drive in it. Her voice calms me.
I told her all about my day while crying. I told her how some people are like “well now you can talk to her whenever you want”
I already could do that. This is worse. I can’t hear you.
The Holidays don’t and won’t be my reminders of you. The holidays aren’t what is empty. My every single day is.
People get so sad on their “one year anniversary” of losing someone. As that date creeps up the sadder a person gets. Or when the holidays hit.
Not for me.
You weren’t just here for a holiday, or for an anniversary. You were here every single day for my whole entire life and now you aren’t, there is a hole in my every day of existence.
I think about my grandmother every single morning, evening, night. I pray for her at 11:11. It isn’t a wish, it’s a prayer. I need her to visit my dreams. If that’s all I can get, than that’s what I will need. Not just every once in a while. I need that every night.
The days are heavy.
The days are long.
My drives are the worst.
My shorter drives now seem to take an eternity.
Your voice made things brighter, grandma. It made things better.
My drives will continue to be long. Quiet.
It’s hard without you. It’s so hard.