Wishing.

I wish I could be one of those females who are breath taking gorgeous, one of those females who have flawless skin with absolutely no blemish in sight, one who has perfectly white straight teeth, with long beautiful hair, who has nice boob’s and a big butt, one who attracts positive attention when not even asking, one who is wanted and looked upon as if they’re a goddess. But I’m not even near that, I still break out pretty bad, my teeth aren’t perfect, I have short curly hair that’s poofy if I don’t straighten it or do something to it, I don’t have boob’s I’m a freakin A cup, I have an alright butt I guess I don’t know, I don’t have nice curves, I’m short as hell exactly 5′, I’m just not one of those “gorgeous” females. And to top it off, I suffer from severe anxiety, bipolar depression, and schizophrenia, so not only am I kind of ugly, I have a lot of issues that make me feel even worse about myself. Most of the time it’s hard just getting up in the morning because I know it’s going to be the same old shit and I’m going to feel like shit physically mentally and emotionally, nothing changes. I feel weak everyday. I try so hard to be positive but I feel as if it’s impossible. People only talk to me as their backup plan, when they’re lonely, don’t have anyone else, when they need something, they only get a hold of me when it benefits them.. I don’t have any friends at all, I stay home everyday, I only go out when I need to, I’m a stay at home mom, yes I could go out and do things but it’s not that easy when I’m struggling with so many things, things that hold me back. I feel so worthless, unappreciated, unwanted, unloved. I can say honestly that the only reason I am still alive here today is because of my daughter, I will never just leave her like that, but most days I want to be selfish and put myself out of this misery. That’s horrible to say, but people will never understand where I’m coming from unless they have walked in my shoes, I guarantee you if anyone has been through what I’ve been through, is struggling with what I struggle with every single day, or has to deal with what goes through my head they wouldn’t want to be alive anymore either. I just wish I could live a normal “happy” life. It’s so hard for me to do the simplest everyday things, and it SUCKS.

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