I wish I could control my life

Sometimes I think I have control of my life, but things just end up falling apart. I can’t remember the last time I was care free. I don’t know if maybe I’m lazy or just have really bad anxiety. I feel like every time I go out people are making fun of me behind my back. Even now; as I write this, I feel as if I could fuck this up as well. 

When I was a child my parents were mentally ill. They realized that now, Mom asks for forgiveness. Dad on the other hand, well…. we don’t talk. I have a daughter now, but my mom won’t let me have her. She threatens suicide every time I try to bring up letting me have her. What have I gotten myself into?

Then there is Jay. He isn’t in my life anymore. I miss him. He was an alcoholic though and I tried so hard to keep him in my life. I wrote him a letter, and then I folded it up and now it sits on my desk begging to be destroyed. I wish I could have him back. I always wonder what he is doing. Sometimes I call him, but when he answers I mute myself and cry. 

I live with my landlord, in a broken down house. He is in his 40’s I think. He won’t tell me his exact age… or his last name. He has about 6 cats. Sometimes we have sex. I don’t like it, but it makes me more likable I guess. 

I have a lot of sex, I think about Jay while I have sex. Usually I pretend it is him. But they will never be like him. 

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