Today I was feeling a little better. The pain in my leg wasn’t quite as bad as it has been. We had a decent day. Joking around.
I took a shower before we went to the grocery to get supper. I made the decision to put on some makeup – for you, not me. I put on some lipstick too, which I never do. I wore a shirt that I love and is not a t shirt. I hoped you would notice. I spritzed a little perfume that you bought me for my birthday. I was trying – for you. It made me feel a tiny bit better about myself. You didn’t notice any of it. Or if you did, you didn’t say anything so I assume you don’t like it or just don’t care. I tried to kiss you in the car after I drove to the liquor store. I thought you would be happy I went. All you said was “no, you’re wearing that disgusting lipstick” I guess you did notice afterall. I felt so embarrassed. I tried to wipe it off as I drove away without you seeing. I felt so stupid in that moment. I tried for you and it didn’t matter. It never matters. You hate everything about me. You tell me nearly everyday how I am basically not even a woman.
You cut me down physically, sexually. You make fun of the clothes I wear, my hair, your newest insult is how ugly my eyes are. You tell me how boring I am in bed. How bad I smell. How much cellulite I have. How stupid looking my shoes are. You tell me I only got promoted at work so they could shut me up. You tell me I’m THE ugliest woman you have ever laid eyes on. Every woman you’ve been with sexually is superior to me in every way – that’s why you won’t have sex with me, your ex-wife was 10x the woman I’ll ever be. I ruined your life. I’m the biggest mistake you ever made. You were desperate and that’s the only reason you got with me to begin with. I look like a man. I’m stupid, especially because I’m southern. You are 10x better than me. I am so far beneath you. My ass is huge. My arms are as big as an NFL player, my breasts are fat/saggy/gross. My face is fat. I have 10 chins. No man would ever want to be with me.
I tried. I always try. I don’t know what I did to deserve this. I always try to respect you. I never call you names or cut you down. I try to build you up.
I’m losing myself. No, actually I’ve lost myself. You beat me down and ground me into the mud. I’m just a shell. I’ve become your punching bag and you seem to really enjoy it.
I’ve only been with 2 men in my adult life. Both have been abusers. You knew of my past where I was abused. I thought you were different, you swore you were. It took a long time for you to show your colors. Back then I always blamed it on the drugs you were on. Now I blame the alcohol. But it would be the same without any substances involved. It may be more infrequent, but it would still be the same. I know you. I know you deep down to your core.
Tomorrow or maybe a day or 2 from then, you’ll start in on me about how I don’t care about you. You’ll never apologize. You never do. Your version of apologizing is saying you’re an asshole , then saying no one loves you or cares about you. Then you go on like nothing ever happened.
I don’t know how to break this cycle. Well for starters, I refuse to buy any more alcohol. That is done. You’ll tell me I’m trying to control you. We’ll you’re right. When it comes to tgat I am going to control it. Beyond that. I don’t have any answers.
All I can do.is try. Keep on trying. I imagine it will be a constant struggle and will probably die trying.