Flow of Thoughts

*Disclaimer: This isn’t meant to be a formal journal entry or have a particular order. I just need a place to clear my head and hopefully get ideas since I have no close friends right now.

I have been in college for six years and I am now set to graduate in a little over two weeks. I am not too scared about graduating. I knew this day would come eventually since I am not a scholar. I don’t want to be in school forever like some of my friends. I just want to be done, but I don’t want the added responsibility of being a “real” adult now. The part that scares me is that I am going home. I want to go home, because my great-grandmother is 95 and I want to be around her before she passes away, which may be soon. 

Going home is scary, because my friends from high school turned out to not be my friends. They all turned out to be assholes. When I got to college, I found real, actual friends. Friends whom I could be myself around and they wouldn’t give a shit. And now, I have to leave that all behind and go home. I don’t want that. I want to stay in my college town for a couple of years, but that isn’t going to happen. I could stay, but I want to be near my grandma for awhile.

Another scary thing is that my parents and grandparents do not know that I am gay. My siblings know and I am sure they have told some of our cousins as well. They don’t care, but I haven’t told my parents yet, because they wouldn’t approve of me and it scares me to think they would look at me in a different way. It scares me to the point where I get anxiety just thinking (or typing) about it. Everyone at my college knows and they don’t give a fuck. (Except you, random guy at the library freshman year who called me faggot. Fuck you.)

I just want to be loved. I want someone who can curl up next to me and whisper to me that everything is going to be okay. I want someone who will have my back.

I want to be happy and right now, I am NOT FUCKING HAPPY.

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