Drowning

a lot of people say having your heart broken is comparable to someone ripping your heart straight out of your chest. the truth of the matter is that it is a lot worse. having your heart broken feels as if someone is trying to rip your heart out from where ever they can gain access. it feels as if they beat you in the stomach, scratch at your throat, pound on your head, and eventually, eventually just ripping your heart straight from your chest; it is the only option. so it happens. your heart is squeezed, thrown around, stepped on and torn apart with dull fingernails. it is ripped entirely to shreds; and trust me, just because it’s no longer in your body doesn’t mean you don’t feel all of this at full intensity. 

the pain becomes so insanely overwhelming you scream and cry at the hurt. everywhere. everything hurts. your entire body feels as if it is on fire. there is a physical pain: constant headache, burning eyes, an honest-to-God ache in your chest, nausea, body soreness. there is a mental pain: constant questioning yourself, the situation, rethinking every nuance of every phrase said and every event passed, over thinking to the point where your mind is a constant buzz of nonstop action without any focus. you flip between hating and hurting; hating yourself for letting it happen.

ultimately dealing with a broken heart is a lot like being trapped underwater. you struggle a lot at first, learning to hold your breath, often faltering and getting lungs full of water, choking until your whole body burns. trying to find the surface because you don’t want to hold your breath anymore. it’s hard and painful and you want a reprieve. however, you can’t seem to find the top. you struggle some more and your lungs cry out, you cry out, for anyone to help. eventually you resign to the burning and the lack of oxygen and you allow yourself to just drown. you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom, suddenly you’ll start to float up. nature takes over and you gasp a fresh breath of air right before kicked down again, foot to the gut, forcing you to fall lower. never hit rock bottom before, because this is much worse. you struggle again and it hurts more even when you thought it wasn’t possible to. I imagine this keeps happening and I’m not sure how it’ll end. I’m still drowning, occasionally resurfacing only to be pushed further into heartache.

I want to stay afloat

succumbing to the water seems
to be my only option now.
I am lost
there is no way I can find the surface on my own.
I am d r o w n i n g.

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