Not good enough

I’m cool, I agree with that. But cool, is never good enough for people. 

I’m not a depressing person, I’m just not very extroverted. I will never be that girl who runs around, jokes with people, being jumpy. I’m not like my friends, who fit in with literally everyone. I’m that weird silent friend standing next to her that noone really pays attention to. I like just standing still or taking long walks, while just talking. Talking, long deep conversations. I figured thats not usually what most people are into. I’m mostly a listener, and I’m understanding, i feel like thats a good factor about me. But then again, that means I’m not that girl who just starts talking out loudly about some random topic. The one who gets noticed immediatly. That just isn’t me. I could try being like that, but that wouldn’t change anything becaus thats just NOT me. 

The fact that I’m like this isn’t a horrible thing in my mind. I enjoy being alittle different. But, when it comes to friends: its rarely good enough. When people want a close friend, or a bestfriend, they want someone to be really damn weird with and jump around doing stupid things. I end up being the second choice every single time. In  friend groups, people don’t want to include the introverted, silent person who doesnt seem like their enjoying themselves. I dont blame them, cause I might feel like I’m a giant fun killer. It probably doesnt look like I’m having fun, but I really am. And I would like to be included in youre weird activities tooo. I’m more of the person who is into the whole deep connections. Bonding, but whenever someone who can offer super extroverted “vibes” then my kind of deep connections isnt fun anymore. When someone offers something more fun in the moment then ofcourse they would go for that. I’m long term, im not good with the small talk shit. I feel like im describing this in a very complicated way, which is probably very hard to understand. But theres nothing to do about this, or is there? IDONTFRIGGINKNOW

Also I know I’m very young. But when it comes to guys and stuff: Who would want that weird looking silent girl? I’m not that sweet girl with that super adorible laugh. I’m not that girl who makes every meeting into a fun party. I’m not shy either, I’m just Idontknow, me? 

I wonder how it will be in the future. I’m that weird outcast now. I wonder if being an outcast is this bad when I’m older? The dream is to move to NY, I wonder if my silent personality is attractive then, or if this a giant flop. Who knows! Curious. 

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