The excitement of new beginnings…. Entry: 2

So that was it. Not even a full day and I was infatuated with this girl while  my wife lay at home with her heart and foundation of her life torn to shreds. You’ll start getting the idea as we go along that Holly is not the person with the most problems. I just didn’t know yet.

I got the okay from my parents to stay at their condo in downtown Chicago while I found a place. They were okay with me leaving my wife and that felt I had married far below my abilities. The condo is on the Gold Coast. On the 46th floor. Gorgeous view. I took my bags and went out to the city. No clear plan of what to do. All I know was that I felt alive for the first time in decades. 

Holly and I spent all our time together. We spent most nights together at the condo. After work she’d show me the city and all it had to offer. I had hated the city when I lived out in the suburbs because of the traffic getting in and out, but living there was fucking awesome. So many lights, things to do, eat, and drink. It was the best time I’d had in a long time. Everything was new and I was so infatuated with this girl who I’d never have dreamed would want someone like me. It was perfect… Almost…

It was immediately evident that we were on separate pages in terms of affection. She was much more sexually aggressive and less romantic than I. Sex was more of a let’s have fun and fuck, instead of a “let’s bond” sort of thing. It intimidated the shit out of me and sex was hit or miss on if I’d be able to perform. More often, miss. It was frustrating. She was totally attractive and I was so hung up on intimidation that I couldn’t enjoy what was there. In general she was not at all an affectionate person. Very cold and matter of fact about things. When out in public, she’d usually walk ahead of me. Sometimes she might hold my hand. Once in a while a smooch on the cheek. None of the (what I considered) the normal touchy feely interaction new couples seem to go through.

I was constantly off balance and wondering if she really wanted to be with me or if she just wanted company to distract her from her problems.  I was getting emotionally attached. She was standoffish. One night we’d been drinking too much at her place (where she was renting the room) and I point blank asked her “What am I to you?”. She got upset because she didn’t have an answer. I got mad and pushed the point. Arguing ensued. I threatened to leave. Something that would become a recurring theme much later. 

It was during this time that there were a lot of things that should have scared me off and behavior I exhibited that I shouldn’t have. She was open. She wanted to date women. She had a BDSM relationship with her ex-boyfriend that she was still emotionally involved with. She had another friend that was a friend with benefits.  Most of her friends were boys. Many she’d been involved with. I told her I accepted all of that. I thought I could. I was wrong. I also was telling her what she wanted to hear. That I felt marriage was a trap. That people weren’t meant to be monogamous. I did feel that way at the time to a certain degree, but I know I was going to get too attached to her. Once that happened all those things would be wrong. And that’s just how it went down over the next two months.

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