Its funny. I’m a very intelligent girl. And yet, I’ve always been a little slow to see the dark side of people. Whether that’s because I’m socially retarded, or because I believe that people are inherently good until they prove otherwise, I’m not sure.
And maybe that’s why it’s taken me so long to reach some of my conclusions about you.
But since my last entry, I’ve had a few epiphanies. About your personality. About how you tick. And as sad as they are and what they say about you, it does make me feel better about myself, about my situation.
Epiphany 1: You don’t not feel emotions the way normal people do.
What brought me to this conclusion? A few different things that I’d picked up on in the few months we were together. Comments like you being able to look at a situation from a completely logical viewpoint without emotions getting in the way.
Or comments about how things hold absolutely no sentimental value to you, regardless of what it is or who it came from.
So.. in the unfortunate, yet countless hours I’ve spent thinking about you, I’ve replayed things you’ve said over the course of our relationship, time and time again. And one of those things that was repeated over and over was the fact that you approach a situation from a logical standpoint. You told me you were able to remove all emotion from the conversation/argument.
Me, being an emotional creature, am unable to wrap my brain around this concept. If you’ve invested anything into anyone or anything, how can you possibly not react from your heart when something happens? Whether that’s good or bad, it doesn’t matter. If you truly care about someone or something, I think it’s virtually impossible to not react emotionally on some level when something major happens on either end of the spectrum.
Unless, of course, you care about nothing because you’re an emotionless, uncaring sociopath.
Now, with the type of person I am, I have that initial, gut reaction. However, I choose to not respond until I’ve had a chance to think things through. I need that time to reflect, to sort out the cluster of feelings that usually hit me all at once. I need a chance to think about the words I want to use to convey my emotions so that I can do it accurately and precisely.
Maybe there are other people out there like you that aren’t sociopaths. Maybe there’s just an entire group of people that I don’t understand. Maybe they are able to reign in their emotions and let themselves feel everything after the fact.
But to me? You’re capable of it because you possess no real emotion.
As for not attaching sentimental value to things, I guess you could make the same argument that perhaps there’s another group of people out there just like you that I can’t comprehend.
But everything that I have that’s been given to me by someone else, and even half of the things I’ve purchased for myself, have some kind of meaning associated with them. And perhaps some would see that as being superficial and materialistic, but I don’t. Its not the object that means something, but maybe the person it came from. Or the reason behind them giving me the object. Or the memory attached to the object. Regardless, certain objects can and do have meaning to me.
Your lack of sentimental value for anything also leads me back to the conclusion that you are a sociopath, incapable of real human emotions.
This makes me feel genuinely sorry for you. While the negative emotions aren’t the greatest to deal with, I can’t imagine living a life devoid of real emotions, and the inability to really connect with people on a deep and meaningful level. I’ll take the highs with the lows if that means I can share something real with someone. But you? You will never, in your pathetic existence, get to experience that.
With that said, I’ll wrap this up and save my second epiphany for another time. To be continued…