An open letter…

I’m going to write this open letter as there’s quite a bit of ground to cover, I will warn now that it will be long. There won’t be a “TL;DR” because it’s meant to be read. This being said, I shall get on with it.

I have come to terms with many things in being alone since what happened when I was blindsided in September of this last year. One of the things that I came to terms with was the inept failure that I am. Why do I say that? Many weren’t aware of the months before I moved (albeit foolishly) to California. That I had said many things that eventually made me a liar (more on that in a bit) and of course the utter failure to everyone I knew because of the things that I had said. I had told so many people that it would be the last relationship for me because that was the one that was going to last (failed, lied). I had said that this would be good for me and most likely the best thing to ever happen for me (failed, lied). In my total failure as a human being, allowed myself to believe all these things along with the fact that those things happen for someone like me. This is not the truth. I lied to myself and let myself believe that good things happen to people who do what they feel is good for the most part. In truth, I failed at that. If in truth I did any good for anyone then logic would dictate that good things happen for that person. Logically as so many have said, do good and it comes back to you. That’s an utter lie or I am. I’ve tried doing good and the right thing when I have felt it. Even if it wasn’t the most popular opinion. Yet, if you look at the logic and compare what I am and have been since September, then logic dictates that I’m a horrible person and deserving of all that’s happened. That I’m a complete, inept failure at life. That I have done horrible things to deserve what all has come my way. This being said, for those folks that have gotten upset because I have called myself a horrible person, would you like to argue my logic?

8/17/2012 3:39:55 AM. you talk about double standards, well I’m willing to accept you despite your past, despite the fact you have kids, too many cats, and love you for you.

I’ve removed the name of where this quote comes from since the person that said is acutely aware of who they are, but this pretty much basically defines apparently how I am seen by the outside world. Now the “too many cats” part was a bit exaggerated. I was at that time caring for a colony of cats that were by my house. My three were fixed but I like animals far better than I like people much of the time. So, I was putting out food and water for the colony to cut back on the damage they can do in neighborhoods. Also for the record, all my children are grown and while I live with my oldest daughter now because of the events that happened (again further proof of my failures) none of them live with me. They live on their own and do well for themselves. Even at that time. This is from someone that “loves” me. We’ll ignore the fact that anytime my friends or my children have needed help that I’ve been there for them. We’ll ignore the fact that I have done what I thought was ‘good’ in my life. The logic can’t be argued. “Do good and good will come to you. Do bad and bad will come to you.” That’s what we’ve all known and been taught. So thus, I’m a horrible person and a failure at life. Not mention that because of what’s happened, I’ve let down a lot of people and made myself an embarrassment. Ironically enough, it was just to have someone listen instead of using anything I said to judge me. Instead everyone judged it and used the opportunity to blast me with it. That was supposed “Friends”.

Now I’ve mentioned being a liar. I hate liars and thusly when I had to admit that I lied to many people it made me hate myself more. I lied to everyone in that I had said multiple times before I went to California that this would be good for me. That this was going to be the one thing that lasted the rest of my life. That this was going to be me putting down roots and not having to move every year or so for the rest of my life. That I would have all the things that I wanted in life. Well, here I am admitting that I lied about everything. That my mouth wrote checks I wasn’t able to cash. Everyone hates liars and I’m the biggest one of them all. I can only apologize for lying like I did. It won’t change anything but it’s there. I guess it goes back to the I’m a horrible person logic.

It’s called being honest with myself. It’s also coming to understand that good things don’t happen for someone like me. I’m the exception to the rule. So no, I don’t see anything that could be good without consequences later. There will be those that tell me that I need to practice “self-love” and “self-compassion”. That might get you up and out of bed in the morning, the logical truth is it’s all horseshit. I grew up being told putting myself first was selfish and that to do so was just showing what an ungrateful little shit I really was. Logically it’s an excuse to have wants as needs. That’s the basic concept. We tell ourselves positive things so that we can avoid or gloss over the negative or bad stuff that happens in our lives. “Oh, it just wasn’t meant to be,” or “it just wasn’t time for that in my life right now,” and so on. It eliminates things like hard work. It’s the excuse not to feel bad about something. No one is allowed to feel the “bad” feelings. Sadness, upset, anger, etc. have all been categorized as bad or negative feelings. No one is basically allowed to feel anything. If they aren’t happy 24/7 then there’s something wrong. If a person isn’t positive 24/7 then there MUST be something wrong with them. Usually the answer is found in a pill or a diagnosis that leads to pills. I will say that there are some that really do need medication to help them, though let’s be honest here for a moment, shall we? About 75% of the population in America is on some kind of psychotropic for some such thing right now. That percentage is probably higher but that’s the one I found most recently. Walk into any therapist on any given day for an assessment and about 90% of them will offer for you to go on medication for your problems. About half of those on medication right now, don’t need it. Which makes it harder for those that do. Yet, you will constantly read about people with addictions to prescription medication. Well let’s see, go back to the 90’s for a moment. Look at the statistics of children that were on Ritalin and other drugs. Now those kids have grown up with mommy popping the occasional Xanax back then to put up with the kids that were eventually put on medication, but it doesn’t matter because mommy had ‘mommy’s little helper’. The old soccer mom joke back then comes back to haunt these days. Now those kids have grown up and here we are with second generation kids that grew up believing that a magic pill will fix everything. I won’t even touch on the pain medication problem. For those that have ACTUAL pain problems and now because of those pill heads can’t have the proper medication they need to get through actual day to day life. Now everyone wonders why there’s a big to-do about medicinal marijuana. Well since it’s practically impossible to get pain medication, what do you think those people ACTUALLY have to do now? That’s a logic argument I’ll save for another day. So, because everyone is coming around to pills are bad, we have to find another way to deal with it. So now we come to self-love and self-compassion. Before it was preaching about self-esteem and how it was so important to have. It’s still there in the SL/SC set, but it’s evolved into something else. It goes back to ego, self-esteem, and one we haven’t heard from since the 60’s, self-awareness. Being aware of those failings we have as people. Though the SL/SC people will tell you to embrace them, accept them, and forgive them. Okay, then what? Oh! Move about your day. Well just like with self-esteem where you were berated for having them, they’re still there. They haven’t gone anywhere. Oh! You learned about them and did all this stuff, but still you accept them. Oh! You’re supposed to learn from them. Correct them and build yourself up better (isn’t that what self-esteem was going on about? Eliminating them?) and then you’ll be a better person. Not exactly. There are just some things with us as people that doesn’t make that quite so easy. It’s like telling a criminal, “if you don’t commit crimes, you won’t go to jail.” That’s great and all but tell me again exactly how that functions in the real world? It does look good on paper, but that doesn’t always mean it’s going to work. Where is the solution? There isn’t one really. We don’t like seeing the homeless, but they are there. Some of them by choice. So, we make laws to get them out of the cities because they’re unsightly. Don’t do anything that ACTUALLY works but move them out so no one has to look at them. Until they creep up in other places like the suburbs where they are totally unwanted. Tell me again how you solved the problem? The reality is, the SL/SC people are pretty much the same, just softer now. And like the SE people of the past, make those with actual mental health problems more insecure and less comfortable about seeking help because now instead of help they’re fed this stuff or a pill. Again, just moved them out of the cities (using my homeless reference) and into the suburbs (or hidden so they don’t get into this position).

Yes, I’m a jaded individual. Then again through the bad that’s happened, I’ve FELT my way through it. It doesn’t mean I’m strong. It doesn’t mean anything more than I know the emotions, felt them, know they can exist. While I’ve thought about killing myself (and that’s happened more than people think for me) I can’t seem to follow through. My belief on that is if I do, my luck it would go wrong and I would become more of burden to my loved ones than I was before. So logically there’s no real point. Yet, I have thought it through. Those that have done it haven’t had the chance to think it through or take a breath to do so. I grew up with my mother threatening it on a nearly daily basis. It was her go to when her life was all wrong. She never sought help. She was physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive to me all my life. I hated her for it. I only managed to love her enough because she was my mother. Even when she died, I really didn’t mourn her. I mourned that when she had tried to reach out to me, I kept putting off seeing her for another day and less than a week later there was no more ‘another day’. That, I did mourn. Her? Not so much. I had grown exhausted from “caring for mother” all my life. I had been told that I had to take care of her (even as a child) because she was “sick”. By the age of 10, I had been forced to become an adult. I knew how to pay bills, what bills had to be paid and when, I could mostly cook for myself, I could shop for myself when I had money which wasn’t often. I could do most all adult things by the age of 10. By the age of 12, I was pretty much an adult but still was prone to doing stupid kid stuff. Through my teen years, I spent the majority of them drunk or high so that I could tolerate putting up with my mother. It was odd that I slowed down and nearly stopped until my ex-husband. What’s most ironic to me was that after my ex-husband had moved out of the house and I had moved on, I stopped all of it for the most part. I still to this day have nicotine and caffeine that I use but everything else is gone. I don’t have the desire to drink. I don’t have the desire that I once had for being high. The allure is gone. I was never a pill head (still to this day hate taking even aspirin if I can help it). I’ve never done anything harder than weed. Even my tolerance for alcohol has become next to nil. The thing is I was forced to grow up faster and that has made me an odd duck for many things. Especially being a person. It’s also skewed my view on the world as well as who I am as a person. So, when the SL/SC crew tell me their usual mantras about their view, I shake my head. People have vastly different lives.

At the end of the day, I will be told a hundred ways why I am wrong and everyone’s view is better than mine or that my wrong view is doing X, Y, and Z. I see an abusive ex-husband blissfully happy with someone that is his life partner. I see the Lion with his woman, the ex-lesbian, and blissfully happy even though it’s been said that he was emotionally and mentally abusive. Not so great guys and they’re living the dream. Me? I get 3 cats and a room. I have a couple of friends. I have a job. But I have nothing else. I’m not even remotely desirable to anyone. Yet good things come to good people? Basically, NO. It doesn’t. So I’m beginning to wonder if I start being like them, maybe eventually I can get my happily ever after.

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