Just me against the world.

As I sit here alone (again) while youre out with your friends, I sit here and wonder where things went wrong. I sit here and im trying to figure out why ive allowed a you to treat me the way you do. With these tears rolling down my cheeks I sit here and just try to figure out what I ever did to you to deserve this kind of torture. Where did it all begin? Its not like I force you to stay home with me. You can come and go as you please, but the nights where I want to go out and do something with you you just shut me out and don’t care that im stuck at home. I don’t have any friends and youre well aware of it. I don’t ever go out unless its something I have to do. So why do you force me to stay home alone while youre having a good night on the only night we can even spend together? 2 years ago we broke up and you told me you didn’t love me anymore. So why did you get back with me? I’m so confused as to why you think its okay to hold me as your hostage and emotionally abuse me. It’s my fault too. I allow it to happen. But what can I do? I cant go back to my parents and I sure as hell cant afford to live on my own.

As I sit here and type this up I think about all of the times you’ve disappointed me and all of the times ive sat on this very same couch and cried the entire night over something you’ve done. Why do you think this is ok. Your dad doesn’t treat your mother this way, your brother doesn’t treat his girlfriend this way, and your friends don’t  do this either. They always include them. But you? You could care less. Im 22 years old and I spend my weekends alone on the couch watching movies or finishing schoolwork because you don’t want to spend time with me. When you are home, youre on the damn computer playing online with your friends. We barly talk. You were off today and I saw you for less than an hour.

You were never like this. I was always your number 1. We always spent time together, even if it was just cuddling on the couch watching movies. But now? The closest we even get is when were sleeping.

I’m hurt, im broken and im lonely. I have no one but myself. i really don’t know what else I can do. How can I continue to try making this work, when im the only one fighting. You think everything is ok but its not. You don’t see the pain youre causing me. I fight this battle everyday of whether I should leave or not. If its worth it to live in my car just so I can be free of you. But I love you. I love you too much to let it go. I love you to see this fail. 6 years to be thrown down the drain. But is it worth it? To wake up every morning feeling worthless and broken inside. Is it worth it to hold it any longer? Is it? Because I don’t think it is. I find myself slowly crippling from the inside because im just too exhausted to deal with it any longer. I wish I could just pack up and leave and go so far away and start new. But I cant. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t have anyone to talk to and im always alone. My brain is starting to constantly hurt by the thoughts in my head that cant seem to get out. I want to scream but whats that gonna do. No one would hear me. Im all alone in this world. Its just me against the world.

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