The Dangers Of Settling

a word of advice. don’t settle for a secondhand second choice kind of love; perhaps it’s the friend who has always been there. don’t settle for the one who stuck around regardless simply because you knew they would. just because you knew they would answer your texts late at night, laugh at your seemingly (maybe not so funny) jokes, and call you on your bullshit… does not mean you love them. not in that way. settling for a secondhand second choice love wouldn’t be fair to them anymore than it is fair to yourself.

don’t settle for a friend because it is convenient, or because you know it will make him/her happy. don’t say your heart’s in it when we both know it’s not. it is cruel to give false hope, to make him/her think you will change your mind. logically, you could. on paper it makes sense. you make sense. you could grow to love the way you want, but the chances are you will not.

emotions and logic are not the same thing, and they could never be. they will still hope for things to be different; that you will feel differently about them in time, but you both know that isn’t going to happen. you know they deserve more than your resignation, and they’ll think that you shouldn’t have to settle for them. friends don’t like to see friends settle. you’ll both agree.

there are always going to be those people we keep around because it is what’s convenient for us. it is easy to put them on the back burner, to place them within arm’s reach, simply because we know they will stay there and be content with at least the hope that maybe one day we can get a little closer as long as they stick it out and pay their dues. there are always the people who we think would make a decent worst case scenario and who are reassured by the idea that even though the’re our safety net, we’re their first choice. there is comfort in ego and knowing you’re wanted. there is a freedom in the knowledge that somebody will still be there, even after all is said and done.

they will want to reassure you, to comfort you, and to be there; instead of settling for him/her, you should let them go.

they deserve more than being your runner up, though it wasn’t your intention to treat them so. they deserve someone who doesn’t want to lose them, who will go to the ends of the earth to keep them in their lives. we all deserve someone who thinks we are their first choice- not just that were the best possible option or that there was no other choice, but that any other option didn’t even stand a fighting chance.

when you let someone settle for you, when you wait until they’re ready and they’ve decided and everything is on their terms, there is always the nagging suspicion that maybe you are still not quite everything they want. they will resent you for that suspicion. it’s better to let them go.

nevertheless, you will miss him/her of course, just like they will miss you. you will mourn, but there is nothing wrong with that. they will check their phone for your texts at all the usual times, and you’ll force yourself to delete their number. they’ll steer clear of everything that you enjoy. but you’ll find a way to heal. he/she will wonder how they could have changed themselves for you, but if you had, if you had let them become something they’re not simply for your love… for choosing them conditionally, they would have resented you.

if you choose who someone is trying to be over who they really are, you will resent yourself.

it takes time, and you will still wonder if you did something wrong, and whether you would have really been settling after all. but no one wants to come in second place to the idea of who they are.

don’t settle for your friend because it’s easy, because they have come ready-made, because they already love you. there is more to life than what is simple and convenient and available. there is struggle, striving, holding onto the silly, naive hope that maybe something perfect exists after all. when you find something perfect, if you find someone perfect, they won’t be an ideal, because no one is without flaw. but there is bound to be someone who will be right for you in that moment, and be what you are looking for.

don’t settle for someone because they happened to be there the whole time. a persons heart isn’t a consolation prize. don’t settle for them because they have been there all along.

no one deserves second hand, second choice kind of love.

 

One thought on “The Dangers Of Settling”

  1. Amazingly written and as though I couldn’t had said it better. I’ve begun to make terms with the realization that mine settled for me. I am sick of trying to be something I am not and it’s, in truth, a real soul killer.

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