Immobilized

That’s what I am. 
Right now…After all that’s happened on Friday with the death of my dog..I’m just surviving.  I’m numb and just living my life without feeling anything other than numbed pain.  I feel like a robot…but a slow moving one that has no motivation to do anything, but will do what I have to just to normalize. Get dressed…shower….get ready for work… until I go outside. 
It’s so hard to get out of bed. My sleep is dreamless now. All I see is black until my eyes crack open.
The windows in my living room…I stay away from them. I want them closed, but my husband won’t let me shut them. I don’t want to see that spot. I don’t want to open my front door because that’s where he sat waiting for me to talk to him and to go out and spend time with him. 
Going outside is the worst…coming home from work is the worst.  Being at home…is the worst. Work is the only way I am able to keep my mind off of him…if only for an hour..but I go right back to Blue. Sometimes it’s so easy to play it off that I’m fine…sometimes even I can’t hold in the tears…the pain. 
Just thinking about going to pick him up from the vet sometime this week is killing me.. I’m sure Nathan will go do it.. I’m not sure…what to do with him… Keep him inside in an urn….or bury him somewhere in our yard..
And it all seems to get harder because this week is the week that the kittens go to their new homes…It’s just one heart break after another. Am I being punished? 
I know time will pass and I’ll be alright, but seeing what I saw….it hurts more than any other animal death I have witnessed.
My animals…and any animals…mean more to me than anything. More than my own life. 

2 thoughts on “Immobilized”

  1. You lost your dearest friend, didn’t you? Dogs are so unconditionally loving. I am so sorry you had to witness that. May God help you through this difficult time. No, you are not being punished for anything. God doesn’t work that way. He wants to comfort you. Let him hold you in His tender love, and make you strong again. Hugs

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