Nesting instinct…. Entry: 4

And so… Like that… We were going to move in together. I was smitten with her. I had visions of us settling down and eventually getting married. Realistic, huh? So our lives continued in relative bliss at the condo with the million dollar view as we began planning and discussing our move. She continued to show me the city and everything was just so new and exciting. She was a girl with fancy tastes and knew all the best places to eat and drink. Everything was an adventure. Being smitten as I was, it was on my dime.

We didn’t put much real effort into planning where to move. We went the path of least resistance. Some mutual friends wanted to move out of their apartment in Humbolt Park and the landlord was a “handshake” kind of guy. I didn’t know anything about the various neighborhoods, or how each neighborhood could be so different. I always thought “the city” was… just “the city”. We visited our friends twice, agreed to take it, and agreed to a $1600/mo lease on a run down apartment in a crappy neighborhood.

This time I spent with Holly at the condo, before our move, was the best time we spent together. We lived in a very fancy place with no real bills. My time was spent experiencing all these new things and this new girl. Sex was always available and she wanted to spend all her time with me. It was amazing and I ache for that so badly right now as I look out the window and realize this was all unfolding two years ago. It seems so close I could touch it, but seems like a million years ago. It makes me want to cry.

It wasn’t all perfect though. As I mentioned before, she was not very affectionate. In fact she was pretty stern most of the time. Part of it was my coming from a relationship with a very affectionate person who always wanted to express her love for me, and part of it was that Holly is generally a depressed and grim person who is unhappy with life. I frequently noticed how withdrawn she’d be in moments that were very romantic. One time we had walked out on one of the breakers that extend out into the lake. Sitting next to each other watching the wall of twinkling lights that was the downtown rising up from the shore across from us, no kissing, no cuddling, no hand holding. I decided to ask her why she seemed so unaffectionate. Her answer was… “That’s just not how I am. Real relationships are not about affection.”. I think if I had realized what that meant in the long run and broken it off right there, I’d be a lot less emotionally damaged now.

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