soul mate assignment(unfinished)

Assignment 3-“If you wanted to write a letter to your soul mate [or spouse/future partner/etc] and tell them what you honestly needed from them, what would it say?”  1,500+ 

Ok…I’ve got to come right out the gate by saying that, while I think it’s a great topic choice (go Judy!) and I’m totally looking forward to hearing what you guys come up with, it’s honestly an exercise in futility for me. While I believe in the possibility of having a soul mate, I don’t think I’m…’designed’ (for lack of a better word) to be in a healthy, long-term relationship. I know we’ve discussed it a bit before, about me not being able to control my emotions, especially while I am manic. If you’d asked me the same question a few months ago, I would have probably had a much different opinion on the subject. But I will make an effort to come up with something because, hey, if you’re going to waste your time, waste it well, yeah? We’ll see how it goes. *Ahem*


Merriam-Webster defines the term “soul mate” as

1: a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament

2: a person who strongly resembles another in attitudes or beliefs – ideological soul mates

Dear future person that cannot possibly exist,

The first thing you need to know (or will quickly find out) is that I am batshit crazy. There is no way around that one. I am a 100%, DSM-5 certifiable nutjob. I can usually roll with it and it certainly keeps things interesting, but at the end of the day, the truth is that I have so many issues that even Reader’s Digest is a bit envious. Life with me is never going to be totally ‘normal’, so you can go ahead and throw that idea out the window. I have no idea (or little idea) what is supposed to be right for most people. I’ve always been a little (or a lot) off-kilter. I don’t know what ‘normal’ feels like…and you can’t miss something you’ve never had or never were. You can’t strive to change yourself into something or someone that other people tell you to be if you’ve never experienced it firsthand. I am broken in a way that will never be completely fixed.  There have always been things considered “abnormal” about me for as long as I can remember. So what may seem odd or “abnormal” or even crazy to you…those things are my normal. And some of those things about me, maybe they’ll change or be easier to handle. But some of those things about me will never change at all. If you really want to be with me, you’re going to have to understand and accept the fact that I’m always going to have issues. There will be times that I do something stupid or reckless without meaning to or without thinking of the consequences. There may be times that I fly off the handle (and oh boy, do I sometimes)…or do the opposite and clam up. Both are because I haven’t yet learned to cope with and express my feelings. There will be times that my anxiety will be through the roof and I stop thinking clearly or have a panic attack. I may say or do shit that makes no sense to you at all. And scary as it is, I’ve had a few “blackouts” where I couldn’t remember short stretches of time. There may be times my depression pulls me down so far that I can’t keep my head above water or that I seem to lose touch with reality. I may completely stress out over the smallest thing, something that seems silly or trivial to you but makes perfect sense to me and feels epicly (is that a word? It is now. Maybe it’s epically. No?*shrugs* fuck it-) important to me in that moment. There are times I actually feel damn near deathly afraid to be around or communicate with other people (besides my kids). I hope you understand how important and huge it is if I ever keep you beside me during those times. It’s a very rare occurrence. If I tell you I love you, or that I need you…please know that those aren’t words that I throw around carelessly. I mean them. And if I do, it probably took a hell of a lot to build up the courage to say them. Those are words that I told myself a while ago that I would never, ever say again. 
Aside from the mental issues, you need to know that there are physical and medical problems, too. My body has definitely seen some wear and tear over the years. I’m a big gal. Easy to see that at first glance. This body has grown 3 amazing little people inside of it, so I can’t hate it that much. But that doesn’t mean that I love it, either. Spoiler alert: my *ahem* sweater puppies aren’t as perky as they used to be. I have stretch marks and fat rolls and other typically unpleasant aesthetic issues but the thing I hate the most is my scars. They’re everywhere. Everywhere. And there are a shit-ton of them. Some were created by surgeries, some by other incidents that have happened through the years. (Oh, and I am a total klutz. Like, really. Hell, I once walked into the blade of a steak knife. Nice huge scar on my left foot from THAT one.) Most of them were made by me. Some from cutting or burning (which I haven’t done in over 6 months, Yay!) But I also have a disorder (Excoriation) where, if I feel too anxious, stressed or even while I’m just zoning out on something like a movie or game, sometimes I scratch at myself. Usually until I wind up bleeding. I don’t even realize I’m doing it, honestly. There are medications for it, but they basically make me feel like I’m doped up 24/7. I feel like a human zombie, and I can’t live that way. Not anymore. So, scars it is. At least until another method is found to help control or alleviate it.

All aesthetics aside, I also have a condition called fibromyalgia. Maybe you’ve heard about it. Maybe you haven’t. If not, please allow me to enlighten you a bit, because this one is very important. In fact, my life often revolves around the pain and issues it causes. Fibromyalgia is a chronic pain condition. What that basically means is that I’m always in pain. Always. It’s constant. After 7 years of having it I don’t remember what it feels like to feel no pain at all. And no amount of drugs, even the heavy shit, will ever bring me that feeling again. Trust me, I know that from experience. Got addicted to narcotics for almost 3 years because of it. Lived in my own personal hell. Never OD’d, but I have no clue how many times I went through withdrawals. I’ve accepted the pain, honestly. It took a long time for me to wake the fuck up after my diagnosis and realize that I will never get better. Never. There is no way out of this one. I didn’t want to accept that this is my life now. Until the day I die. I was in denial.There’s no going back to the way things used to be. There are a lot of things that I used to be able to do that I’ll never be able to do ever again…it was hard to let some of that go. I didn’t want to accept the fact that I am no longer fully in control of my body. Of my life. Pain took that away from me…and I’ll never get it back. And there are so many things that I used to do with ease that are difficult but doable these days. I’m not afraid of pain anymore. But I have to live with the fact that, when my pain level is high on any given day, it can (and usually does) severely limit what I am capable of doing. I’m not calling the shots anymore. There have been times that my feet or ankles or legs have hurt so bad that I have had to crawl to get where I needed to go. More than once, I’ve had a leg just give out randomly and I can’t do anything but fall. One time I hit my chin on the counter on my way down and bit the crap out of my tongue. That one was fun. And there are times where I’m feeling ok and I suddenly get the urge to throw up. It affects my whole body in some of the strangest ways sometimes. And I’m saying all of this because I need you to know how bad it can get from time-to-time. Being with me will never be easy. I’m sure, at one point or another, sacrifices will have to be made. I’m definitely not saying that you’re going to have to take care of me all the time or do everything for me. That would honestly annoy the shit out of me and probably piss me off. I like to do as much as I can, when I can. Most days, I can get my pain down to a level that is tolerable and I can get by, at the very least. But there will be times that I’m probably going to need your help, sometimes with even the simple things like holding a cup when my hands hurt too bad or they swell up to the point that I can’t grip anything or buttoning a shirt or pants or any number of little things that become impossible when your hands (or other body parts) aren’t doing their job. It’s happened more than once, probably more than 100 times by now…and it’s frustrating. So frustrating.

And there will be times that I take that frustration out on you when you don’t deserve it and I’m telling you now that I’m sorry for that. I’ll feel like a huge jackass once I’ve calmed down. Please, please forgive me for those moments. And for any time that I ever make you feel unappreciated or unloved. Tell me. Don’t hold it in. I need you to tell me about those moments so I can make it right. And I’m sorry for the hurtful words I’ll probably say from time-to-time when we fight. I don’t mean them. But when we DO fight, goddammit, I want you to fight back! I wanna know that what we’ve got means enough to you to fight for it. That you know we’re solid enough to throw hurtful words around and get angry at one another and lay our shit bare and not hold back and still fall asleep beside one another after all is said and done. And I’m telling you now, I’m probably going to annoy the shit out of you because I’m going to need a lot of reassurance. I can’t help that. I’ve always felt like I was never ‘enough’ to make or keep someone happy. And now that I have even more issues and baggage…honestly, I don’t believe I’m ever going to find someone that figures out all of my problems and issues and all of the ways a relationship with me wouldn’t be a normal one and still thinks I’m worth it enough to deal with all of it. It feels impossible. But if you really do exist and somehow decide that you want to take all this shit on just to be with me…I’m probably going to need to hear that you’re not gonna leave or how much you want to be with me, at least for a while at first. Because I’ve invested a lot in people just to have them up and leave and it sucks to know that it’s because it’s not easy being with me. Because all of the good things that I could give weren’t worth the trouble. And I don’t think I could handle that again. I need you to know what you’re getting into. 

But I also need you to know that I will do my best to make it feel worth it. Worth all of the issues and sacrifices. Because I can promise you that, if you stick around for the long haul, I’m gonna love you like you’ve never been loved before. And I’ll do my best to make you feel appreciated, even with the little things. I want to know how you take your coffee or tea. I want to know all your little quirks, all about the first girl who broke your heart and where that scar on your leg came from…why you’re so afraid to drive in the snow and why the hell you keep forgetting your gotdamned boxers on the bathroom floor every fucking time you take a shower. I want to be the one you come home to, the one to wrap my arms around you when you’ve had a rough day and do whatever I can to make it better. I want to be the one you feel like you can turn to anytime, for any reason. I need you to know that you can trust me with anything, you can tell me anything, and know I’m not going to judge you. That you’ve got me. Completely. And that I’m not going anywhere. 

I want us to do silly things like turn the radio up loud and sing the wrong lyrics horribly off key. I want us to take road trips and make little detours and get completely lost and make the best of it anyway. I want to sit and watch thunderstorms with you and do cheesy shit like getting soaked kissing in the rain and not even care because mud can be washed off and clothes can be dried but moments only happen once and then they’re lost if you don’t make them memorable. I wanna make those kind of memories with you because we’ve only got this one shot at life and we need to make the best of it. I don’t want you to even think twice about seizing those moments and making them fucking epic. And I’m totally ok with making a complete ass of myself just to hear you laugh. I want Eskimo kisses and bear hugs and puppy love. I want us to be one of those annoying couples that share a private moment with just a look when we’re out with other people because someone said something that reminds us of something else that was just between us. I don’t want to be afraid that you’ll think I’m acting clingy or juvenile if I grab your hand and hold it whenever I want to because sometimes it’s those little things, that little bit of contact, that will be enough to make me completely happy or calm me down if my mind is racing or I’m feeling anxious. I want to feel completely safe for once in my life. I honestly really want to know what it feels like to be loved for who I am, for all that I am. Because I have no idea what that feels like and I’m afraid I never will at this point. But if we somehow find one another and you can give me that…I don’t think I’d trade that feeling for anything. I want to know what it feels like to actually open up, completely. I want to trust you enough to make myself that vulnerable to you and to be able to stay that way because I’d know that you’d never use it to hurt me, even if shit turned sour. And I want you to do the same.

I need you to understand that I am a package deal. You get 4 for the price of 1, baby. And if you fall in love with me, you better be prepared to fall in love with my kids, too. As frustrating and hard-to-handle as they may be sometimes, my kids are amazing and I consider myself blessed and am honored to be their mother. They are smart as hell, sweet even when they aren’t trying to get something from me, and funnier than I am sometimes. And let me tell you…there are times when they’ve taken care of me instead of it being the other way around. Times where they’ve seen me in so much pain that it’s all I can do just to hold back the tears and put on a brave face because I hate them seeing me like that. Nights where Elijah has taken over making dinner and made something simple for them to eat because I can’t. We’ve had days where we’ve all snuggled up in my bed and watched movies because I was having trouble getting around. And they’ve never complained about it. Not once. These kids and I are a team unit already. If you want me then you’d better be prepared to join it. I won’t be with someone that doesn’t love all of us. I’m proud to be the one to help guide them through their journeys, our journey, for as long as I am given. To teach them love instead of hate. To give them the strength to go against the grain if it means standing up for what’s right. To let them find themselves in the ways I was never given. Never allowed. To let them learn some lessons the hard way and be there waiting to pick them back up in the end. I want to teach them the difference between showing someone respect or kindness and letting someone walk all over them. To try to help them be confident in themselves. The difference between having pride and having an ego. All of the little things that could wind up making a big difference one day. I just want to set them on the best path that I can, while I can. And I need someone that wants that, too. But you also need to know that my children will always come first, no question, no matter what. And if I were ever truly in a situation where it’s you or them, it will be them. And it won’t be because I love you any less or because of who you are…I will never let my kids question or second guess how much I love and need them. I will never make them feel that they don’t have at least one place, one person to run to if shit hits the fan for them when they’re older. It just won’t happen. Don’t feel like you come second, because I will do everything I can to let you know how much I love and need you, too. But like my mother once told me…the love you have for your kids and the love you have for your partner…they are different kinds of love. I didn’t understand what she meant back then…I was just a kid. I understand it now. Even if it broke my heart to do it, it would be them, every time. I hope you will understand that.

I want someone who will let the bad shit that comes our way make our foundation stronger instead of tearing it down. I want to make a home with somebody that can weather the storms. Because there will be storms. The sun can’t shine all of the time. And some beautiful things can’t grow without the rain. And when it’s dark, I need to know that when I reach out, you’re going to be there. Every single time. Because I might need you to take my hand and guide me in the right direction sometimes instead of standing back and letting me get lost. If you can do that for me, I will do that for you. And I think maybe that’s what home should feel like. I need that. Need.

If you’re still listening, well…kudos to you because that was a lot. And yet, like I said, it’s only a small part of all of the things I want to share with you. If you think you still want to take all of that on…the good, the bad, the ugly, and the sometimes downright awful, then I think you’re fucking crazy.


But you might be my kind of crazy. And I think maybe I could handle that. 


Ok, ok. I suppose that wasn’t that bad. Lol. Don’t even know where that came from, but there it is.

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