there’s a weight on my chest and a burning inside my lungs. my days are beginning to mean less and less. I am losing all control. I feel like I am nothing. I will not, I cannot, and I most definitely refuse to close my eyes. it almost seems like my heart does not want me to sleep. my heart does not want my head to see what it is I am missing out on. the feeling seems to worsen each night. I do not know what to do. I feel like I am guaranteed a disappointment, and it terrifies me.
I don’t know what I am suppose to do. I haven’t felt so lost in such a long time. I can no longer seem to calm this chaos. I am no longer the person I wanted to become. I don’t understand. I cannot understand. should I apologize that you are better than me? why am I so fixated on this? why can I not get over this? I can’t shake this pain. I have fought and clawed my way through life battling my self-destructive nature. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of fighting myself (my only true enemy, possibly the only thing holding me back). I have come to the conclusion that every time I stand at the top of stairs and don’t throw myself down… is a victory.