My mind has been a strange place for me at the moment. And I’ve decided it’s come down to my struggle with FOMO (fear of missing out). Those who know me, already know the extent to which this bothers me. If there’s an awesome party I can’t be involved in?! I will delete all social media apps for a day or two to avoid seeing all the supposed fun I’m missing. Though that sounds like a pretty good way to curb it, I will actually still lose sleep over it because I’m laying there imagining it. I had not always been like this. Back in high school and my first year at University, I would easily pass up a night of going out with everyone. I’d happily stay in the comfort of my own home watching movies or just chilling out. However, I started to watch friendships form and grow stronger whilst I started to feel on the outer. Fearing I’d end up a total loner, I had come to the conclusion to overcome this, I will never miss an opportunity to hang out with all my friends. And for years, I haven’t missed too many of those opportunities. Which has lead me here – to all the FOMO suffering. Sounds stupid right? I guess it is!
But let me attempt to put it a bit more in perspective. Last Saturday night it was my best friend’s birthday. And of course I wasn’t going to miss out on this – no way! However, though I was going to be present at this social gathering, my certified way of truly ensuring that I won’t be missing out on fun was to get absolutely intoxicated. Because let’s face it, I’ve fallen into the social expectation that you have to drink to have fun. And though the night started off fun, as my intoxication progressed so did a series of shitty incidents – which I of course can’t even recall. One of the worst being my best friend who is supposed to be the birthday girl, taking me home and baby sitting me.
Of course I woke up feeling the usual embarrassment that comes with having to hear your drunken antics from everyone else. Because just in case you didn’t know, I am notorious for getting wasted to the point beyond embarrassment often resulting in one of my good friends retiring their night to take me home and look after me. But this time was different. Not only was the stories about myself worse, but the way I felt. It’s been nearly a week and the anxiety I usually get with a hangover hasn’t left me. I have continued to feel various shitty emotions about the night that I can’t quite seem to shake. It’s bothered me to a whole new level. I feel terrible, ashamed, withdrawn and quite self loathing – to name a few. At this point in time, I want to distance myself from everyone.
I know I need to change. I need to take a long break. And then maybe it would be valuable for me to learn how to pace myself or better yet – go to a party and not drink. I’ve thought about all these things and how I would approach this. I am determined. It’s just that inkling of FOMO that I’m afraid is going to get me every time. But it’s a start.