Home… Entry: 5

I was so excited to be moving into a new home with Holly. I wanted a life with her so badly. We split the expense of the first and last months rent, signed the lease, and made our plans. We decided to have two bedrooms and two beds. We never actually discussed what the nature of our relationship was, but I was operating under the idea of boyfriend/girlfriend and she was thinking “roommate with benefits”. I was so taken with her that I just figured things would fall into place.

Moving day was interesting. One of the primary people was her ex-boyfriend who she was having the BDSM relationship with. When they were in the same room, it was very clear she was strongly emotionally tied to him and very resentful that he had dumped her. The interaction between him and I was awkward at best. He didn’t want to date her, but he still obviously felt I was treading on his territory. But we got moved in and we had a home.

The first few weeks were bliss. All the little details of home making and building a future (in my eyes). It was a whole adventure that included a lot of sex at random times. There was no question. I was falling completely in love with her and completely avoidant of the reality of our relationship. She was smart, hot, young, and wanted to spend time with me. reality meant nothing to me at this point. One last happy memory. At night I guess I talk in my sleep. I told her I loved her without knowing it a few times.  One day after work I was harassed by some neighborhood kids for being a white guy in their neighborhood. I told Holly about this by text. She was afraid it would be enough for me to pack up and go away. That night we were sitting on the floor in the living room talking about it and other things that were upsetting me. She looked at me and said “But I love you. You have me.”. I’ll never forget that moment or how blown away I was. She knew I loved her because of what I said in my sleep, and I hadn’t known. I can’t describe how vivid that memory is and how much it hurts to revisit it.

Nothing lasts forever. We’d had two months of constant companionship. Even if I was chasing her for affection, it had been one of the best times of my life. Eventually the outside world had to intrude. She had not been on birth control the entire time. Not smart. I know. But it felt good. One day we were laying in bed after having sex and talking about various things when she made the comment that she needed to get back on birth control in case she started seeing other people. My bubble burst. I was shattered. The idea that she was thinking of seeing other people when we _lived together_ made me feel devastated and trapped. This is where it all starts going downhill and my emotional issues related to attachment begin to surface. This is where the steady decline begins. The bliss we both felt lasted two months. The relationship lasted two years in fairly rapid decline. If you’re thinking that that is a long time to be in decline, you are absolutely right.

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