Haven’t been on this in months. Where do I start on an update ?? Well for starters I haven’t been with Michael in almost two months. Since him. I graduated high school, I’m attending medical school I have two jobs (becoming a manager on one) and plan on leaving to the army. Only if this “delay” doesn’t set me back.
Once again I put myself in a situation I don’t know what to do. From the looks of the first few sentences it seems like I have my life all figured out. But I don’t. I’m keeping busy. I keep busy because if it stops the world around me becomes clear and then I’d be left to think of him again. But now I have something important that I can’t even share with him. Dumb old me, possibly knocked up again. Been so fucking busy with work and school and army bullshit I forgot I haven’t gotten my period.What is this the fourth time? What a shame. So embarrassed. I Thought I was pregnant 4 months ago. Turns out I was. Couldn’t co parent with the bastard so I had to think of me for once. I gave him and me the easy way out. Got me together. But it turns out I tore me apart. I had to deal with everything once again BY MYSELF. Sick of it. The world, living sick of all of it and especially him. He taught me that no one is there for you but you. Sad ain’t it? When I found out I was carrying AGAIN he ignored me for two whole weeks. I kept telling him I needed to talk in person. He didn’t think I was even worth seeing. You see the fucked up thing is I know I messed up. But if you knew my story you’d understand. You probably would be more fucked in the head than me. But he doesn’t understand, he damaged me more than anyone. He’d fuck me and say he loves me and would never leave, guess all in the moment of sex right? Just a fuck. Pathetic. He wasn’t a man he’d do all that then the second he’d drive away he’d text me calling me a whore and that he hates me. Yet I still wanted to make things work. Again- pathetic. I took care of our problem but didn’t learn from my mistakes and ended in bed with him a dozen times more. I danced with the devil. Since our last dance, he vanished again. Found someone else to dance with. Guess what? Birth control failed once again. I can’t keep hurting myself. This time I have to deal with it on my own and be strong- for the both of us.
He once told me he never never wanted to be his father. Too late. Dead beat father. Can’t even be there for his own kid. I mean he never did. All materials. Guess he really does take after his mother. I’m sure if he were to find out, his mommy would convince him to take it from me and then my child will become him. Crippled. Taken away from a parent, like he was. So which parent is he? He’s worse. He’s them both.
I may be ahead of myself I mean, it’s not even confirmed yet and here I am. Stressed. Worried. While he’s fucking care free. Must be nice to be shallow.
We were dysfunctional. How can we ever function now?