Yeah so I think the title says it all really,,,
I’ve had a tremendously bad day and tomorrow I will have two quizzes + two tests + one timed writing + one team program to finish HOPEFULLY and I really want to die because then I have other tests and then next Tuesday is the AP Physics test and then the week after is the AP English test and ahhhhhhhhh *screaming intensifies*
I was trying to finish the team program this morning because I stayed after school yesterday and I couldn’t, but! it still didn’t work! and then in programming class there were YET MORE problems and then one final thing that I was being stupid about and I FEEL SO BAD AND SO STUPID EVEN THOUGH THAT WASN’T EVEN THE PROBLEM THAT WAS WASTING ALL THE TIME but STILL I hate myself and I didn’t even finish doing this new thing that our teacher gave us and oh my GODDDD.
And I have to stay after school for so often now because we have test corrections for physics and it’s so time-consuming because we get a lot wrong and we have to stay there forever but then there’s this freaking stupid activity after school sometimes that I want to just stop doing but I am like the only person left in my little group and I would feel really bad if I left now DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM HERE.
And then everyone else is taking it easy next year with like two free periods and completely chill classes and I’m sitting here with like two honors electives and like six AP classes on my schedule next year and I feel so stupid and inadequate because I’M NOT TAKING ENOUGH AP CLASSES THIS YEAR AND I WANTED TO MAKE UP FOR IT BY DOING MORE NEXT YEAR BUT WILL THERE EVEN BE A FUCKING POINT IN IT I DON’T KNOW and then there’re those extracurricular things to do and they take up so much time but I have to do them and OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!
And then I just get so fucking tired every day because I have to walk every fucking where and I hate it because it’s so hot and I get all sweaty and it’s so awkward and it wastes SO MUCH TIME just walking to and from school and I hate it but I don’t want my mom to spend money on a bike because what a waste??? you know???? there is no point in it????? at least not now when there’s literally only a few weeks left of school and I should just shut my mouth and toughen up??????
I just?? I had a mini breakdown after programming because I just felt like slitting my wrists or pulling all my hair out because I was thinking about how stupid stupid STU P I D I am and it was exhausting and I must have looked like a psycho because my friend looked so confused when I rushed into eighth period and he said “I don’t know what is wrong, but I am sorry.” My throat was all full and itchy and my hands were jerking and please, please just kill me now because I’m so TIRED.
I would like to just give up and lay down and stop caring and just. Die. Like. That would be super duper nice. Or sleep for like forty hours straight without worrying about anything because that would be A++.
I’m just really sad, like… really really sad. Goddamn it I’m so SAD all the fucking time and I hate it because I can’t control it and please shut up because it’s not that I’m not doing anything meaningful with my life and it’s not that there aren’t supportive people around me and it’s not because I’m not living a healthy life, I don’t know what it IS, I’m just sad and tired and stressed and I want to not have to think about applying to college and learning how to drive and finding a job and writing essays and looking for scholarships and making new friends or dating or doing anything that isn’t sleeping. I feel like screaming and clawing my own face apart when I feel sad because it’s like NO STOP WHAT ARE YOU DOING BEING SAD ISN’T PRODUCTIVE STOP IT STOP IT. I feel like there is nothing that will ever make this feeling go away because as long as there’s stuff to be done, I will be stressed and sad. So no, I’m not sad just because I’m lonely or whatever the fuck your diagnosis is. I’m just sad. And I don’t know why. And I can’t stop it.
And I still want to die.
Or cry. But I haven’t done that in a long time and crying hurts hurts hurts so I’m not going to do that.
I’m going to regret writing this publicly after like, a day. Don’t judge me, just having a fit. I’ll get better in a little while and then I’ll become a bland and lovable idiot teenager again.