Have you ever been so consumed in your own thoughts and feelings that you lose track of time? Don’t notice the people or things around you? Your body is physically here, but mentally you are great distances away? Sometimes your not even really sure what it is that brings you back to the present? There are times where I think that I would rather be there than in my current state. Being different from others is sometimes magnificent and then there are other times when you realize that the world looks down on you for who you are. Do they not realize that the world is the one who made me into what I am? The trials and situations that it has put me through? Why me? What was the purpose of all the hurt, hatred, and ill will it left me with? Was it supposed to teach me a lesson? Was it trying to prepare me for something? Or did the world just know that I was a meek and foolish soul who didn’t have the guts to stand up for herself, who knew she should have told someone even with the threats of what would happen if she did, who knew the all the unacceptable choices I would end up making? This has turned me into who I am, for better, for worse, this is me. Sometimes I wish I could step back through time and change my life but I would hate to lose the small scale great parts that I did get out of it. But if I could, I would do so many things differently.
It’s a strange feeling to be so empty inside yet be so weighed down. Weighed down by emotions that I’m not sure what to do with, self hatred, darkness, compassion, and intensity. When others see you, they don’t see ‘you’, they see you as what they perceive you as. Based on what they think they know, based on what they have heard, yet never from a real encounter. To some you can be the joy of their day, to others you will be that bitch that is uncaring. When the truth is I always give so much, maybe even to much, to others, put all others before myself. I offer them compassion, I lend an ear, a shoulder to cry on, a warm hug, a kiss, and sometimes it only takes a smile. If I can do this for others why can I not do it for myself? Why am I dying inside? Why am I so afraid and lonely? I always wonder what people would actually think if they ever knew the real me. The me who is inside. The one that I work so hard to hide. The one who is so broken and complicated, ate up with grief and animosity. The one who always has the voice that tells me I am no good, they don’t really love you, you are nobody, and you will always be nobody. You would be better off dead.
I need someone to tell me that I am worth it, and actually mean it. Help me. So many times I have cried and pleaded but I am left alone and ignored. He doesn’t want to help me, he doesn’t even notice me most of the time. For once I want to be able to stand up for myself. I want to know that I am worth the effort. I want to have even the smallest of lights ignited inside of me to know that I am not always shrouded in complete darkness and that there is something out there for me. I don’t want to be afraid for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be restrained. I want to be set free, if only for a little while…..