I will not be reactionary. I will take this fallout and turn it into something positive. Like the ignition to the next chapter, in which I will tackle the projects that have needed my attention but haven’t gotten it, due to this toxic and time consuming relationship with her. I will channel my energy full steam into all the things I should be doing besides self destructing. Instead of wasting my time fuming over this and self-medicating to cope, I am reading some books on parenting and taking notes. I am writing more than ever. I am dedicating myself to Ly, firstly, and to my family in general. Ly needs me right now. I am going to figure out how to help her. I am going to study how to help her. I am going to learn how to raise this particular child, who is not the same toddler or baby that I knew how to parent so successfully. This is a new child, an older child, facing new problems that I haven’t learned how to help her with in my short stint as a parent so far. So I’m studying up and I WILL be better for her.
I am still focusing on baby #3, who will exist some day, and hopefully someday sooner rather than later. I don’t care if this baby is a boy or a girl. I don’t care if we name him Leo after DH’s grandpa, or Leland after the place where it all began. I don’t care if we name her Jovie June, or Corinne aka CoCo, or if she is born in January of next year or February. All I know is that I want #3 and I want to be a mother of 3. And that I’m going to work every day to be BETTER. For all of them.
We have the whole world in front of us. We aren’t afraid of anything. No one, especially some crazy bitch, is going to take us down. I will rise above this, better for it. I always knew there was a strong purpose to my friendship with J. I knew it was fucked up and crazy but I knew I had to invest in it and take it while I could. I don’t consider this “getting burned”. There is a lesson here and I am going to live this through.