Broken Record

By now I basically am a broken record, saying everything over again from my last entries.
My grieving had only become worse at the findings of that we cannot do anything to the person who killed my dog. If anything we could press charges of animal cruelty, but the law attached to that states that the other person can retaliate and sue for the damages to their vehicles since, apparently, there is a leash law out in the country. Something we had no idea about.
We could sue him for the death of Blue, but he, in turn, could sue us for everything we got because Blue damaged his vehicle…THOUGH HE INTENTIONALLY RAN OVER HIM. The law here is so fucked.  Nathan told me there wasn’t a point and we lost. He says he is going to wait one day until the farmer is out in his tractor out in the field next to our house and run out there and pull him out and give him hell, but for all I know he will just use some bullshit to sue us for Assault. 
So, I cried pretty much cried all day due to that and then I cried more because I had given away two of my four kittens. I didn’t want to give away any of them, but Nathan didn’t want 9 cats. Well, keeping two and making our total 7? How is that different. Two less cats lol but they were the two closest ones to be. I hope they are okay as they grow. They were beautiful angels. Everything just happening all at once…. Blue getting killed and then three days after I have to give away the things I clung to for sanity. …I have my five adult cats, but I mean…I literally raised those kittens since birth. 
Don’t get me wrong, I am IN LOVE with all my other babies, especially my munchkin, but when I raised those kittens they became something I depended on. It was something I HAD to get up to take care of.  They don’t need me so much anymore, but enough for me to be semi okay with all this heartbreak.
Today was almost as bad as the day he died. Hearing that news, then getting the necklace urns in the mail for me and Nathan to carry a little bit of him and trying to plan on what we should do when we bring his ashes home. I have ideas…
I…I don’t know. I’m getting up and doing things now…I’m trying to get on with my life, but witnessing how he died…Gods…that is something I can never forget…  Every time I look out a window…Go outside…drive my own fucking vehicle… I think of him. I burst into tears…  His collar and all this things sit on my kitchen table… I don’t know what to do with it…It hurts to see it and it would hurt to hide it away.
People around me don’t care about my dog. It’s just a dog, they say. “OH is that the one that bit you?”  
Does it fucking matter? 
I LOVED HIM.
People see me cry and they ask why am I crying about an animal like that. 
It’s just an animal. 
And people wonder why I’m ‘antisocial’. I’m just selectively social.  Shit, my own family wasn’t any fucking help either.  No one really said a word to me. My mom when I told her just asked questions almost in a snotty tone. “Why would he hit the dog?  Was he chasing him? Was he in the middle of the road?” 
He wasn’t. Only on the side of the road to bark at him, but he swerved to hit him.  I haven’t talked to her since and I don’t plan on visiting. I don’t want to talk about it, because she will ask a bunch of questions and it will only piss me off and upset me. 
No body understands how I feel about my animals. The only one that really seems to be getting the hint is Nathan. 
He’s been especially nice and is always hugging me and taking care of me…even though he is hurting from his mom dying. I can tell he’s upset by it but he never wants to talk about it.. *sigh*
I just can’t seem to get over this. Of course, it’s only been 6 days… it feels like it just happened..
See?
Broken record….
That’s all I am…
Broken.
I feel as if it’s my fault…even though I know I couldn’t have prevented it. I always think…that mentally I caused it. Spiritually I caused it. 
I NEVER blamed Blue for biting me. NEVER. I understood the reason why. He was stressed from being beaten by my mother in law. Then taken away to the Humane society for a week and under the stress of all the noise and new people. Then being threatened to be put down.  We took him back and the morning after he came home with us I was trying to move a bone from his bed so he could lay down ( I know it was stupid of me. He use to be beat with bones and food bowls or just a hand) and he bit me. Maybe I was hovering too much for his liking. I don’t know. 
I wasn’t afraid of him, but I didn’t fully get over him biting me. I had visions of him attacking me and having to be put down randomly. I had put so much energy into him to have him trust me…and he did end up trusting me….only for something like this to happen. 
I was SO engrossed with trying to keep the kittens safe with my prayers and rituals….that I never thought of Blue… I never thought of adding Blue to those prayers…
I thought he would always be safe….and wouldn’t need it.
I feel it’s all my fault. 
I know he was going to die the second he got ran over…I knew it…but…I beat myself up every day thinking I could have been faster to get him help.  I should have been outside keeping him preoccupied away from the road… I should have…
It would have happened some other day… I just know it. 
I’m just… 
Broken.

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