I don’t know why you stay.

We’ve been getting along, I think only because you haven’t been drinking. The only reason for that is because of money – we have none. 

I took out a $300 loan so we could buy groceries and pay the car insurance.  You asked me to buy you alcohol today. I said no. I said I didn’t want to spend money on anything unnecessary.  You didn’t protest much. Later you asked again. I said no. You started to argue. 

I wanted to talk to you about your drinking. But every time I started to speak you cut me off with harsh words. I stopped trying. You asked me in a really rude and disgusting way what it was I wanted to talk about. I said I wasn’t going to talk to you when you were angry. You asked again and when I started to answer, you punched me, hard. On the back of my shoulder. I was facing away from you, so I never saw it coming. I was shocked.  Tears came, though I didn’t want them to. it was an automatic response. You kept telling me I better answer you or else you were going to hit me again. I ignored you. I was paralyzed by fear. You realized our daughter was in the room, so that’s probably why I didn’t get hit a second time.  

I left the room. I sat I’m the bathroom for a while. Too afraid to go back in our room, but nowhere else to go. I wrote you a message. I explained how your drinking has become a very real problem for this family. How our daughter has begged me not to buy you alcohol. You are a very mean and aggressive drunk. You never just have A drink, you have A bottle and you lose control of yourself. I thought maybe writing it would be better, you could process it. But instead you wrote back calling me a cunt, telling me to fuck off and never write to you again. 

I sat in the tub for a while soaking,  trying to relax but that was impossible. All I could think was that any minute you were going to need the bathroom and be pissed because I was in there. 

I finally came back into the bedroom because I had no where else to go. You immediately started calling me names and also calling our daughter names. I quietly grabbed the car keys and my purse without you noticing. I left. 

I went to walmart and just sat in the parking lot and cried. Ugly cried. I had to let it out. I stayed for about 30 minutes. I drove around some more. 

I went and bought yoy some food. And I went and bought you a small bottle of alcohol.

I gave in. Not to appease you, not really. I just wanted to shut you up. I need to be able to go home and sleep. 

Just like rewarding a bad dog, I rewarded your bad behavior. I once again showed you that it’s ok to treat me that way. Everything within me screams to leave you. It screams that everything would be so much easier without you. But my heart says otherwise. I hate it. I wish I could hate you. I want so badly to be able to walk away from you and not even bat an eye. 

You blocked me on facebook. I could care less. You blocked me on messenger, well that will be your problem when you need something from me. You can cut me out however you see fit. Maybe it will be best if you do actually make good on your threats to leave. You can force me to deal with it since I can’t pull the trigger. 

you clearly hate me, I don’t know why you stay. 

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