Dont know anything anymore,

I’m supposed to write you a letter, the lady from that internet counseling site, told me that I needed to tell you how I feel that dark night when I was on don’t hurt yourself watch, I haven’t started, I don’t know where to begin,I am not even sure I want to do this, I know I need to do something, this is eating me inside, killing me alive, but I’m scared, I’m more than scared, what if I lose you? I’m also scared because I don’t think you love me the way that I love you 🙁 this makes me more than sad, a pain deeper than heartbreak, A pain I have never experienced before..I Literally feel like I cant breathe.. but this thought just looms and haunts over me.. It kills me slowly and eats me alive, and I dont even know if its real.

you talk about a future together, we are best friends ..we should just get married, adopt kids together, you say that when we know what we are doing we should just get married.. you however, don’t pursue me, you never say what you feel about me, (we talk about everything except this) you pull away when I try to get close to you, I am always the one buying you gifts, I used to think It was cuz you broke, but you buy gifts for other people, you buy crap for yourself, you take me for granted, you don’t even say thank you, I am scared I’m being used, I feel like the stupid one, I don’t know how to stop, because when I do these things for you I do them because I love you, I do them Because you are my best friend I do them for you and this all genuinely comes from My heart, I would keep doing them, in fact I have to hold back to not do them more, I have things I bought you that  I haven’t given you, this is sobering and painful but It might be because I want you to love me, What if I deep down I do this for this reason? Im terrified Im turning into my ex.. He tried so hard to make me love him, and it sucked for both of us, I really wanted to , and I tried really hard to love him back but it didnt work, I don’t want to be that to him and I want to be loved back.. Its crazy though, I dated him for a whole year and It never felt the way I felt about you , I remenber even when I was dating him, how much I always preferred hanging out with you, even when I didn’t have feelings for you, or so I thought. I don’t know anything anymore.. everything about this has shaken me to the very core, In every area of my existence.. probably because I let you in closer than I’ve ever let anyone in, you are my best friend, I talk to you more than I talk to anyone,  Even when I want to pull away, I start to miss my best friend. I start to think about how you are doing. I want to call you or send you a funny picture to make your day slightly better. I tried to give you up, and then I realized that I didn’t want to. Most of the time, you do the calling.Part of me wants to take it as you doing the thing, where you…I guess are pursuing me… but let’s be real, if I don’t pick up you call someone else.. You just need someone to talk to.. and I’m a great listener and I genuinely care..sounds like a good deal…you make me feel replaceable Sometime, I know this could be my insecurities talking.. It crazy how I turn into this person, that I really dont like, insecure, jealous.. slightly desperate.. It makes me feel incredibly pathetic.

I still have something I bought on wish for you, I ordered it by impulse, I don’t know how to give it to you, or if should give it to you I bought… on a whim..Just because… I was thinking about you, I love you stupid…I feel stupid, damn it.its just sitting in my nightstand drawer

there is also the possibility that this is all in my head, that I am just insecure and I’m overthinking and I’m crazy and you love me and you  are just don’t know how to say it, too scared to go there, don’t want to ruin our friendship, Just aren’t ready to be with me, they are valid, they are real.. You are gonna leave to Korea, in a year, you really want to go and I’m not gonna stop you, you seem excited, You usually get an idea in your head for a couple of weeks and then you move on, but you seem invested with this one, you seem excited, It puts me in a very painful and uncomfortable situation, I love you, I want you to be  happy, you are finally figuring out what you want to do, and are getting out of you comfort zone, I am supportive and encouraging, but I’m also trying my best to avoid thinking of a whole year without you, I am  experiencing living in another country and my friendships from Home all took a hit, I talk to them rarely, they sometimes reach out, sometimes I reach out.. no matter how I put it I know things will be different, things will change, you will change.. I know you are you and you say you will do your best to stay in touch, you will call at a certain time to talk, you are good at staying in contact.. wich you are but..it makes me sad.. you are leaving me.. your life will change.. who knows what will happen.. I hate this.It makes me wonder if the whole telling you how I feel thing part is even worth it, Part of me feels like I will regret it, if I dont, I see movies and tv shows that have people saying how they regret not having acting sooner and you should just say how you feel before its too late, I have that looming over my head as well..

all of this is over me like a storm over my head,I might be overthinking things.. I do that sometimes… make things more complicated than I have to…

I drink sometimes, to make myself stop feeling so much, and it helps for a while, I never thought I would be this person, I dont like it. No one even knows that I drink. I sometime I just hear myself and it makes me want to punch this girl in the face.. so pathethic, so sad.. so lonely.. .I hate it.

Oh.. and there is more..I just dont feel like writing about it anymore.. I feel sad right now.going to thing other thing going on with you..well going there destroys me even more.. what if .. even if you wanted to.. you just cant? what if there is a part of you.. that doesnt want to go there, you are fighting to figure yourself out, I also do want to be there just because I am convenient for you.. is that why you want to adopt kids?? there is more…you have told me

you have things about you, that Though I find endearing, I know make you different, I have never cared, I don’t care..I love you, and I actually love theese things about you, all I need to know is that I am the one you want.. and You are not settling, but that you want me .. you want me with you, that you would give yourself to me, like I would give myself to you.

I don’t want to be your experiment either 🙁 I want to be loved, I want you to see me and see the person you want to be with forever, the “I know you were the one”the person that makes your heart flutter, and I want that alot. Derek and Meredith, Chandler and Monica, even Pheobe and mike.. I want that shit. I dont want to be the one that you use to find out a deep truth about yourself, I dont want to be married to you and later find out you regret it, or be stuck, this is one of my biggest fears

its crazy though, you give me a call and my mood changes, I feel good again, you havent called today, you have probably been busy today, that is ok, you have I life, I tell this to myself… Logically .. my mind.. it gets it…I tell myslef to stop being pathetic.. but my heart my emotions .. have it all bleeeeeh..bursting and rolling and screaming from my chest.. when did I become this person?? I used to make fun of this.. I used to roll my eyes at girls like me.. like I FEEL SO PATHETIC.. uggggggh… I dont even know how to start this letter, or if I should,for one I am dying inside .. for the other.. what if it hurts and I cant recover? I feel like no matter what I cant win.

I want him to love me… but if he did I think he would be different towards me .. or he does, he would leave anyway 🙁 damn it

 

 

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