it’s too much i want it to stop.

Yesterday I stayed an extra fifty minutes after school trying to finish correcting that stupid, cursed group program.

My teacher helped me fix everything that was wrong with it, but since it was so overdue by that point (it was supposed to be by the end of the period last Thursday), she only gave us fifty points for the whole damn thing. I don’t blame her, really, because it was a total of four days late, but it hurts my soul because the grade has made my class average drop down to a 62.5. Which is a D. Which is failing. And the three weeks period ends next Monday, so the grade is going to go on my interim progress report. FUCK that shit.

 

I fucking hate group projects of any kind. I hate them. I hate working with other people on single projects. I fucking hate it so fucking much.

It’s embarrassing. I’m ashamed of myself. I only have a 78 in physics (because of the quiz grades that we haven’t finished correcting), and now this. Fuck my life. I feel like crying because I don’t know what to do.

I’m literally such a failing piece of shit. I can’t even get all A’s this semester, are you kidding me? I’m probably going to make a B in physics, which is so fucking stupid and unacceptable. My sister made all A’s… I’m stupid. I’m just stupid. I’m so stupid. I hate myself because I’m so stupid and useless and really, just, really.

 

I’m not taking enough AP classes. I don’t have enough extracurriculars. I can’t drive. I can’t swim. I’m not the best at anything. I’m not funny. I’m not pretty. I’m not even particularly nice to be around. I’m not… I’m not good enough at anything.

I’m taking the physics test next week… I want to die.

 

(I just had to pause in my thoughts because our neighbors were screaming bloody murder. There’s a crazy family that either lives in the next building, or just comes here regularly… And when I say they’re crazy, I mean they’re absolutely batshit. We hear them screaming all the damn time. Sometimes it’s the wife/mother shrieking, sometimes it’s the son. Just now, it was the son. The son was screeching like a banshee in Chinese; we couldn’t even understand what he was saying. It was fucking horrible to hear. The guy who lives on their building’s first floor eventually called the cops. Now there are two cop cars outside, for some reason. I wouldn’t think two would be necessary, but…)

 

I am tired. I want to stop thinking about how shitty and stupid a person I am. It’s too much, really it is. It feels ridiculous to keep thinking about it, but I still do… I hate myself all the time.

 

And to think I had been so happy earlier in the day. I was so happy just laughing myself sick with people I know. Now I’m upset. I just really hate myself.

 

The only hope lies in the fact that if I get an 87 or above average for programming by the end of the six weeks, I can get a semester average of 95, which is an A+.

 

I’m sad, still sad, always sad. I hope I feel better soon. I just want the stress to stop.

4 thoughts on “it’s too much i want it to stop.”

  1. I know I’m a complete stranger but i wanted to let you know that i know how you feel. Okay, maybe not 100%, but I believe in God so He does. If you don’t believe in God, thats alright. I’m really sorry to hear that you feel like you have to die because you have bad grades and you aren’t as “smart” as your sister. But you know what? YOU are YOU. Like Dr. Seuss says “there’s no one alive who is youer than you.” i love that quote. Just because you suck at a subject DOES NOT make you a failure! Heck, even being able to see that you can improve is a skill. Not even kidding. I had to bust my ass in high school to get at least B’s and my parents were still not proud of me. But ever since i was able to move out on my own, ive learned something. The only person i need to worry about being proud of me is me. Not my parents, not my siblings, not even my friends. Me. I hoped this helped at least a little bit, stopped one tear from falling. I may not know you, but i care about you. God bless! -Evra <3

  2. Please don’t think you are stupid or not good enough.
    I thought the same exact things when I was in high school. I had to compete with an older sister, by 12 years, to be a good student. She was a straight A student. Lucky bitch.
    I didn’t do well in school, mainly because I can’t stand people. I was very much a hardcore introvert. I’ve gotten slightly better, but not much since my highschool days. Trust me, group projects were not my strong point. I literally failed those on purpose because I couldn’t deal working with other people other than friends.
    But now that I think of it, I had to live in the shadows of all my siblings. I have a total of 8 older half siblings. One from my mom and the rest from my biological dad. All were exceptionally great in school and here I ended up being the dumb one.
    I am surprised I even graduated. But I was very good at Art and English/Literature whatever. I even failed GYM. That’s how bad I was at school lol
    Everything will be okay, trust me. You have another year, I presume??
    If anything I am willing to help you out if you need it, but I’m super awkward lol

  3. I guess I have no place to talk here, because I am the older silbling that used to get all A’s. I often wondered how my sister felt about it. I certainly would never have tought less of her because of her grades and neither did our parents. Now we are two completely different people, I am a scientist, she’s an artist. She still has a daytime job, but her pictures are all over social media (despite her being an introvert – it is somehow different when it comes to her art).

  4. Of course I know the story of my sister won’t help you, because it’s mainly about you reaching your own goals and what does it have to do with anything somebody else did? Well, I can only say, stay strong. You are ambitious, persistent and diligent. I would hire you on the spot. 😉
    Please let us know if you’re alright. I’m starting to get a little worried.

Leave a Comment:

SCROLL TO TOP