I needed a way to express my feelings. More specifically, my feelings about you. I’m literally 100% positive that you will never see this, but that’s okay. Maybe writing these out will help me move on or whatever. I’m not big on this whole journal/diary thing, but what the hell. Why not?
I’m not quite sure why I can’t get you out of my head. I’ve moved on, I mean I’m married for fuck sake to someone I’m insanely and madly in love with. But here we are, here I am, still thinking about you. And honestly, I can’t quite figure out why. It’s not like we planned our lives out or had some epic love story that just made you incredibly difficult to forget. Maybe it’s because it started out different or because it was different, but it wasn’t much different than my previous relationships before you.
Maybe it’s the way things ended? Maybe because you absolutely refused to listen to me and just decided that what you thought was true? Maybe because you said I never cared? You don’t understand, I cared more than you could have ever imagined. I still care.. I can’t help it. It’s like I know I should let you go, I should let all of you go, but I still her when I look in the little girls section at the store. I still see him when I’m in the baby section. Your children meant more to me than I intended or thought they could. Trust me, when I found out you had kids, I told myself I wouldn’t get attached. I failed, miserably. I loved them with every ounce of my being and I never knew that love was possible. But you said I never cared about them. Well, you’re wrong. Ask literally anyone that I talk to, I still talk about them to this day. It’s been about five months since our last words to each other. I shouldn’t even care at this point. I still care, way more than I should.
I question if you ever think about me. If you ever wonder if I think about you. If you wish things would’ve went differently for us.
I don’t think things between us were that bad or even bad to begin with. The start of us, to me, was pretty exciting and new for me. I admit, I made an awful mistake in the beginning of us, but that was the only mistake I made with you. I changed for you. You may never believe me, but I know the truth. I wish you would believe me. I loved you so deeply. I honestly thought we would’ve made it, well could’ve made it.
I’m not sure how long this should be, it could probably go on forever if I really wanted it too. But I’m not going too. I’ll just write here whenever I need to express my thoughts of you. Which sadly, will be quite often.