More background of my unhappy story/life

Ugh.  I’ve been in a terrible flare-up for over a week now.  Went to the ER one night and was given an injection of anti-inflammatory something.  I got a few hours of lessened discomfort but it certainly wasn’t long.  I have osteonecrosis (or avascular necrosis – AVN, as I usually refer to it) due to being on prednisone for many months in 2010-2011. I was experiencing recurrent pneumonia,  which they later decided was a possible unknown lung disease instead.  Although after 4 months of not smoking (I was scared out of it-when he said I had less than a year to live) it disappeared.  Who knows what it was. Anyway,  AVN is literally “bone death”.  We have very small amounts of blood supply into our hip joints.  The veins and capillaries are small and few.  Prednisone restricts blood flow and unfortunately I did not have enough blood to support life in mine.  The femoral head (ball of joint)  were starved of blood and in turn,  oxygen,  and began to die.  This is progressive,  only continues to get worse.  I need both hips replaced but at diagnosis I was 34 years old and advised I am too young for replacements.  They only last about 20 years and they don’t like to do more than 2 in a lifetime.  After visiting 4 different orthos,  because I wanted a different answer.  I BEGGED, CRYING for each to PLEASE just do the replacements. I was told I need to wait until I’m closer to 50 years old or until the bone collapses.  I was referred to a pain specialist.  I’m now 38 and have been on narcotics for 4 years.! The drugs have minimal effect and I’m constantly in pain.  Some days are worse than others.  Shit,  some HOURS are worse than others.  

Anyway,  that’s my world.  Well  not quite – that’s the REASON for the way of my world. I’m ALWAYS sleepy and nodding off.  Thanks narcotics.  Wait– I should reverse just a bit and give some info.  One doctor suggested I have weight loss surgery to  hopefully, reduce pressure and then relieve pain for a few more years. In April 2014 I had that surgery.  I was 250 pounds (5’3″) the morning of the operation.  I lost 125 pounds over the last 3 years (most in the 1st year.). Although I feel amazing and more confident.  I’m healthier.  But the level of pain was not affected.  Because of this surgery I can no longer have NSAIDS.  If I could,  per my pain doc, I could have my pain  under control easily. Tylenol,  or narcotics are my only options.  FUCK!, right? Ugh.  Now,  I nod,  hurt, and though my husband understands,  he is quite selfish. I’m sure the man is narcissistic.  Like,  positive.  He has little tantrums when he is refused sex.  Every night he wants it.  He doesn’t care how it happens  but he expects an orgasm and expects ME to cause it.  When I’m tired or hurting to much and decline he stomps around the house getting ready for bed.  He slams doors.  Glares at me.  I usually end up going to bed to “help him” and suddenly he’s  all “I love you”.  It hurts my feelings I feel rage some nights over it. How fucking rude and inconsiderate.  Mind you,  I am on heavy drugs as mentioned,  but also antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds.  I have never enjoyed sex with him.  Now I can’t even get aroused.  I’ve told him to   find a girlfriend so he won’t have to touch me.  He has at times had one,  but he still has expectations for me on  nights she isn’t around. That’s not at all what I intended.

 

Sorry,  but I’m going to end for today.  I’m done typing (on my pbone) for awhile.  I’ll catch up again another time. Thanks for reading and allowing me to vent.  Once I have the story here in my journal in completion I will have just “normal”  entries of daily updates.  Just am FYI   I have finally begun working again (I’ll explain some stories behind that another time).

Okay,  well,  goodnight journal support friends.  Sweet dreams.  Sleep with the angels.  Love ya!

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