Saturday April 29th

I feel bad today. Very nervous. Very anxious. I have gone the entire month of April with no paycheck. I think I will finally get paid on May 15th, but I’m not sure how much it will be. Maybe by that time they will have my salary step information in place and will pay me what I am supposed to get paid. I doubt that since Christine started in September and did not get her right pay until January. Any money at all would be better than nothing, though. I am about to pay my rent for the 2nd time from my savings. The savings is really not “savings” since it’s just my income tax refund. I never really “saved” anything. I cannot seem to get that going anymore. It’s hard for me to believe that I managed to save 8K a few years ago when I bought my house on Palms Drive. I am so terrible with money. My anxiety is eating me up this morning. I have not done much so far. I have been trying to get the blood out of my sheets where my foot bled all over the place. I am so mad at myself for not putting a stupid bandaid on it and preventing this whole mess. There are small spots of blood all over. I got them out of my blanket and most of them off of my duvet cover on Thursday- I cleaned it and took it to the laundromat. I am working on the sheets- I will maybe take them to the laundromat this evening after I scrub on them and let them soak some. 

Later, that same day…

I went to the laundromat and washed the sheets. There are still blood spot stains on them. Oh well. I tried. I finished 1984 today and I started The Sound and The Fury. I have gotten further in it today than I ever have in the 23 years I’ve owned the book and tried to read it. It is only 4 “chapters”. The first one is in the voice of a mentally disabled person who has no concept of time- hard to understand. I read the Spark Notes online about each of the characters and the background info. It made a huge difference. I struggle to understand how a novel can be considered one of the best ever if you have to have a commentary to understand it. I am going to tackle some James Joyce, too. I plan to read 10 of the great novels each year. I have one down for this year. Reading is what I should be doing instead of watching and re-watching the same shows over and over again. I think I just like to have the TV on because it makes me feel less lonely. I have to have quiet when I read- especially something like Faulkner, so I feel really lonely in the quiet apartment. 

I still don’t know- and won’t know for some time if I passed those 3 tests I took over spring break. I am not going to sign myself up for any more until I know if I passed those. Once I have those checked off, I will sign myself up for the EAC test. I should be able to pass it without studying, and then that will leave the math. I want to leave it until I have all the others completed and out of the way so I can focus on it. I know I am smart enough to do the math- I just need to re-learn how to do it all. 

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