This one is done while I’m not at home to be added later on.
So my last few days have been a bit of a mindfuck really for me. Thursday night as it seemed that I had said, the Lion got a hold of me after two weeks. He was dumped by the lesbian and that wasn’t nearly enough. I spent hours Thursday night talking with him through Skype. Not my wisest move, but I did all the same. Even knowing full well that I was coming down to see the Knight the following day. Well that’s where this strange tale begins to take shape.
Yes, I will always love the Lion from the years that we were together, that’s a given. Even now I know that my will to keep from returning is somewhat waning. The only thing really that’s keeping me from fully giving myself over is the Knight. There’s something there, though I’m not sure he knows that or wants to admit it. It’s felt and that’s all that there is.
Now let me start with the Lion as that has finally become less painful for me to discuss. I have said before that I would love nothing more than to travel that road once more. Though I have always considered it closed and remaining so. Though over the last two times that we’ve spoken, I’ve seen him come dangerously close to wanting to say the words. I don’t honestly know what I would do if he does. I would ask for time honestly. I can’t just jump right back into that once more. Not after finally finding a path that doesn’t involved the destruction that he had left behind in his wake. Could I? There isn’t a doubt in my mind, though this time it wouldn’t be how it was in 2012. There would be a lot of changes that would have to be done as well. I don’t think he’s realized the depth of that. Though my heart does ache that he is now seeing the world through my eyes and how I’ve viewed the world for many years. I could have stopped the pain, but while it killed me to do so, I had to go through it. I made the choice to. Now here we are. Is it possible that we could return to that path? After a LOT of talking and working through things on both parts, yes it’s possible. Do I want to? That’s something that’s still in the air of late. I can’t honestly answer and the reason…the Knight.
I have been keeping a separate journal that I talk about my journey with him. The wavering back and forth. One moment I think there’s a glimpse of something and then suddenly, just as quickly, it’s closed. Then it seems to appear once more. Only to be gone again. These last hours have passed quickly. Almost in a blink of the eye. Sitting up nearly til the sun came up just talking and being around each other. I dared several hugs to see where things stood. They were welcomed. Even when he saw me the first time last night, he hugged me and I had to stop myself as feelings slowly seeped to the surface. I backed them away for the time being. I have done what I can to show interest and now it’s time to back away slowly. Let him take things over and choose the path that’s going to be followed.
I cannot lie in the least. We fell asleep together last night in his bed. There was nothing physical in the least save for me giving him a backrub that I told him that I owed him. That was it. We slept and I can’t say how much I simply enjoyed having someone there sleeping with me. Not to mention that waking up to another making noise after rising from sleeping together was far sweeter than any physical touching could ever hold. The simplest thing of sleep held far more than I could ever imagine. I ran him to what he needed to do and when we returned, sat up and talked more. Then even napped beside each other and even still that was far more than any night of hot, spent passion could ever duplicate. Taking him to work seemed like the most natural thing in the world. And then after picking him up, I will be cooking dinner while sending him to the shower and changing while I do my thing. Strangely to me it seems so natural. Something that I never even had with the Lion. With the LIon nothing felt natural. It all felt that I was invading his world and not my own. Torn between both and all I can think is that both are equal in so many ways. Perhaps that is what drew me most of all to the Lion, those close traits that he shares with the Knight. Those same ones that I held in memory, in the darkest parts of my mind that none could touch or reach. I never spoke his name as it would raise the ghosts of my mind. Yet, he walked back in my life as though it was returning from a long trip. In many ways that is true. We have both spent 20 years living our lives. So what is to be said for the next 20?
Were I to have my wish? Then the road would appear clear and open with the Knight and I would gladly walk it. Though I have come to understand that should that road not open, perhaps there is another one that is meant to open with the Lion when the time shows itself. Given that he has only recently shown to understand and listen to what I have to say. He knows what lays ahead should that road lead that way. It’s up to him to choose to do what must be done as this time I cannot do it for him. He has to undo what he has done. Though I am not closing the door to the Knight as perhaps the universe is showing me that something lost so long ago is found once more and is meant to be in this time. For now I can only have faith that the universe knows what it’s doing. Both with the symbol of the Lion, similar in many ways, yet which one am I to walk the road with? I can only hope that the universe will show me. For now though, I have to finish this and be off. It’s time to go get him and still I can’t shake this natural feeling. This feeling of welcome home.