It’s nighttime now of my first full day of the break.
When I was in an information session for going abroad, they showed us this outline of the stages of culture shock when you’re living in a new country. At first you’re shook as hell, and then as you try to adjust you become down and even hostile towards the inhabitants of the new country. Then, as you get used to things, you start to enjoy the culture more and your mood increases.
I sort of suspect any drastic change will invoke a reaction like that – down first, then gradually gets better. If so, then I’m starting to go downhill. I feel sort of annoyed that he won’t look at my snapchat story or instagram story, and he’s been spamming the group chat with images and videos of his cruise. I agreed that I wouldnt talk on it so that one of us could at least be present in the group, but i didnt expect him to post so much. If it pains/annoys him to watch my stories, then why does he feel the right to post in the group chat where i’m forced to read his messages but be silent? So i ended up ignoring what I said I would do and sent a message on the chat. Just a general question to nobody in particular. I also deleted my snapchat story. If he wanted to see it, well now his chance is gone.
Another way i’m going downhill – i’m feeling pissed at him. I guess this is healthy, you know, letting my feelings surface and having to really deal with them alone without being able to take it out on him or ask him for help. But it also makes me feel more pessimistic about our relationship. I’ve taken to reading relationship advice columns and I know a lot of them are way too general and obviously don’t know intimate details of my relationship, but I don’t know, I find comfort in reading things. I also realized that when I’m forced to write down/say aloud the bad aspects of my relationship or boyfriend, for example saying aloud what he repeatedly fails to do for me, then it appears more and more that I would advise any girl in my position to really consider if this guy is worth all that pain.
I’m considering if he’s worth all this pain. From the very beginning, years before we were even dating, he had compared me to Comparison. I remember reading somewhere that when a child is introduced to a step-parent, it will take the child half the age they are now to accept the step-parent wholly. So, a 12 year old child would adopt a step-parent as fully as a biological parent in 6 years. I always figured maybe that held true for me and my dislike/jealousy issues/insecurities with Comparison. But i don’t know about that anymore. Time doesn’t heal everything on its own.
When I was reading relationship articles today, about how to get past the feelings of your partner cheating on you to move on with that partner, the author had written time heals everything. I reject that notion. Time alone does not heal feelings of bitterness, insecurity, anger, sadness, about something like being second choice to someone who loves you. It takes work. Ugly work that no one likes doing and work that will hurt a hell of a lot for a long time. The article had said that you need someone to open up to about all your negative feelings, perhaps even to the unfaithful partner. i have tried to reach out to Logan for help on this. I asked for more compliments. Knowing that whenever i feel insecure, Comparison always has a part in it and he should deal accordingly. Reminding me how much he loves me often. I never asked him to never speak to them or anything, because I don’t want to be a girlfriend that has to restrict her partner (but i also think Logan should already know to keep his fair distance). But no. He has not been successful in this aspect. He doesn’t ask me why I’m insecure and asks me to talk about it. he says oh no, it’s okay, drink some water, i love you, don’t be sad. He doesn’t invite me to speak to him about it, even though I have screamed that I need to talk to him about it, since he forbade me until recently to talk about it with anyone because of how taboo the topic was. He also was going to drive to another country to see Comparison and their family, and when I asked him not to go out of respect for me, he said no! And then changed his answer to maybe! And then finally the trip got cancelled so he never really told me no.
if any of my girlfriends told me this, i would say leave his ass. So why am I staying?
A part of me knows/thinks Logan is meant for me. We can fit so well. If all this crap wasn’t happening, we’d be so sure of our relationship. A part of me thinks that I won’t find anyone as good as he is for me. He is my first and only boyfriend so I guess it makes sense i’m scared of not finding anyone suitable for me if he is gone.
A part of me also wants to try to see what being with someone else is like. This is not in the sense that I want someone else to fill the void because Logan “isnt good enough”. It’s not like cheating. It’s just to see what love is really like when it’s not with Logan. he’s had plenty of crushes on other women, he jerks off to sexualized and objectified women, he still gets to watch porn and follow sexy tumblrs and like their photos, he’s been sexual with people other than me (even be sexual with them while he apparently had a crush on me). So why shouldn’t I get to try (or want to try)?
if i do decide that I want to try to work things out with him and really try to mend the parts that aren’t whole between us, can I live with the fact that maybe I will never get to know what’s unexplored for me outside of him as my love interest? If i decide to work things out with him, i need to accept the chance that I will only ever be with him and i will not be the only person he has been with, for the rest of our lives. Can i accept that and not bring it up when I feel shitty? Can i make sure I don’t feel insecure about that ever?
I also read in an article that I should write down questions/thoughts as it comes, so that after the break and I get to talk to my partner, I can refer to them. I guess I’m doing that now, but I wrote some specific things in my phone, which i’ll copy here.
If you’re really sorry for making me feel like a second choice, then why can’t you just listen to me and talk to me when we fight and just do what I have asked you hundreds of times to do.
If you say you just don’t “think”, then doesn’t that mean that I’m not a priority? Shouldn’t you be thinking of me? If you love me?
Now, to the second statement, i get being thoughtless occassionally. Putting someone else first is not completely natural. I understand it can take work – for some, more work than others. But c’mon, girlfriend of three years and you don’t lift a finger when your father yells about her to the rest of your family? you don’t lift a finger when your stepmom gets her a crappy gift a third year in a row? you don’t lift a finger when your friends fucking crucify her and spread shit about her? you don’t lift a finger when your friends make her have a panic attack at a party and interrogate her? you don’t lift a finger when she is the only girlfriend uninvited to the wedding? Come. On.
At that point, does he really care about me? he says yes. I believe he does. But he is all talk and no walk. He feels things. He desires for success and for things to work out. He wants desperately for his plans to fall through and for great things to happen. But he is an ENFP. They suck shit at planning. They suck shit at doing. They suck shit at the logistics of what the hell they say they want so bad. And this is not news to him or me! I’ve pointed this out to him many times. I say, you need to find feasible ways to show me you care about me, since he’s obviously been failing. You need to write down what I have to fucking coach you about, like how to listen to me. It shouldnt have to require me tutoring you, let alone many, many times, but whatever. Even when I tutored him many times, he still “just didnt remember” “cant remember” “didnt think”. So i’m like, okay, lets write it down then. You say you wanna remember. Then let’s break that ENFO stereotype and do something differently so you can remember. Lets think about each step you can take so that you can care for me in the way you need. I shouldn’t have to coach him how to care for me again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again. Especially in the middle of me being upset and having a breakdown! I shouldn’t have to pause my breakdowns and put aside my feelings when I need help, so that i can re-teach him how to help me! Ridiculous.
He says I’m too quick to be mad at him now, and too quick to be displeased with him when he doesn’t respond correctly right away or when he reads my message but doesnt reply within the minute. He says it makes him nervous and tiptoe around me. And tbh i’m like, listen bud, sorry that it sucks for you, and yeah ideally you wouldn’t be feeling that way, but I am not gonna keep being nice and forgiving whenever you fuck up. It’s been years of him fucking up like that. Love is forgiveness and patience. And absolutely NO ONE can tell me I have not been extremely, extremely, unbelievably, undeniably patient. Any woman would have left a man who takes as long as he is taking to LISTEN.
I just dont understand why he cant just put me first. how hard is it? I ask him what is so hard about putting me first. he doesn’t have an answer. He doesn’t have a clue why he can’t do it. So i can only conclude that he doesn’t take me seriously, right? I mean what else can I conclude?
All in all – yeah, it’s been going downhill in my mind today. I miss him. I don’t particularly enjoy seeing what a blast he’s having on his cruise, but I told him to enjoy himself and I don’t want him to be mopey. But i sure hope he’s feeling as much as I am. He better be taking this break seriously and not pushing uncomfortable thoughts away. He better be working as hard as I am to figure this out.
Things look quite dire for this relationship. It’s only the second day so I’m not freaking out (yet?). I’m waiting for when i’m getting past the culture shock and I’m starting to be positive again.
UPDATE at 3:03 am: i forgot to mention this, but i liked one of Comparison’s IG posts today. I made myself do it in a moment where i felt soft towards them. I havent really been liking their posts, and I guess they noticed because they havent been liking mine or anything. When i see their username, i have to scroll past it quickly, or tap on their SC story quickly to get rid of their name. When I clicked on their username one time by accident today, I had to close my eyes really hard to feel like i got rid of their affect on me.