its over before it even starts

late night post but damn today was full of wtf moments. first of all, im tired as fuck because im freaking the fuck out and having emotional meltdowns every 3 hours. not because someone in my family died, nothing like that, im not a depressive schitzo either, but because im having finals and everything is going by SOOOOO FAST. HELP ME! 🙁 im freaking the fuck out. today i woke up at 6 am just to do homework. its serious as fuck in here.

however, by 3pm i was 75% done with my homework for my classes for the week so i took up the amish guys offer to go out for late lunch. mostly because i was starving!!! we picked up lunch and headed to the campus mirror pools and just hung out for a bit. 

because today, this entire fucking week has been taxing. ive been an emotional and mental wreck on and off for the past week. which might explain why i did something stupid today. i told the amish guy i didnt think us hanging out or talking or dating was going anywhere, so i said it was probably best to not waste each others time and just wish each other good luck and end it. i could tell he was crushed. 🙁 but i really just cant fucking deal right now and i feel like its better to end it before i REALLY REALLY fall for him. i mean, i like him  alot already. but this shit is kind of happening way too fast. first, it hasnt been that long since matt broke up with me. which, i wasnt devestated, i had wanted to break up with him for a long time, but its still a moment out of respect for the relationship where you really shouldnt date. then emerson’s bullshit. and now amish dude. i just feel scared. i know this guy and i are going our seperate ways. i dont want to hang out with him all summer, and for us to have the best time ever, just for it end and we go our seperate ways.  and i DO NOT want a long distance relationship those never ever work. its all bullshit. 

well anyways, when i told the amish guy he was crushed, judging by the look on his face. and he was silent for a bit, then he asked me why i felt this way. i didnt go into detail about it but i did say i just felt it was better for us to not continue hanging out. and he remained silent and stern with a hint of sad. he told me that really enjoyed hanging out with me, but if thats the way i felt better to respect my wishes. at this moment i felt regret, but i didnt want to be so indecisive.  

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