Sunday April 30th

Today I am upset. I have a headache I woke up with last night. I am scared and I am seriously thinking about moving back to Lexington. Special ed here is a mess. I am freaking out. I will have to go to my apartment office and talk to Blake to find out what my options are with the lease. If I cannot get out of it, then I guess I am stuck. I will have to stay one full school year next year? I don’t know what to do about it, though. Jesus. my lease expires in January- That means I would need a place to live for 5 months to be able to finish a school year next year. I am so upset right now.nothing is better nothing is better. now I just can’t see Noah. Right now, I want to go home if I can. 


Later that same day… 

Now it’s 8:23pm and I still have the headache I got in the middle of the night last night. I am going to have to take a Xanax before I go to bed to try to get rid of it/get to sleep. I talked to my mother for a long time on the phone today. I am thinking very seriously about moving back to Kentucky when school is out. I have two months for things to get better, I suppose, but not really because I would have to start making some plans soon if I was going to make it happen. 

My reasons not to stay here: I have that math test I have to pass, I have that edTPA that I haven’t even looked at yet, and I don’t know if I even passed the tests I’ve already taken. I don’t know if they are going to count my special ed certification since I didn’t get an actual degree in it. That’s just the problems with the certification. Then, there’s the problems with the actual job. I was called ineffective on Friday. I have no tenure here and they could fire me. I don’t know what they want from me, I don’t know what is expected of me, Their IEPs are a mess, AND they don’t respect me or see me as capable as a teacher because I’m from Kentucky and I have an accent. What is so ridiculous about that is that our sped is about a million times better than what they have going on here. If at least my job was going well, I might be able to deal with the other stuff- If I could be secure and happy with my job, I could focus on reading and going to museums and shows. But because my job is such a cluster fuck, and I likely could be fired at any given moment, everything sucks. 

Tomorrow I am going to talk to my principal. I am going to find out or try to find out where he stands with me. I may just flat out tell him that I am going to go home if he acts like an ass to me. 

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