2017

When 2017 started I thought that it was going to be a great year. Many things in my life were going wonderfully– recent college graduate (after many years of trying to get there), new apartment, connected with an old friend form ten years ago, happy family, two wonderful pets, and a great job.  

Less then a week into 2017 I was driving to work in my fairly new Fiat 500, yes I know driving a Fiat in MN during winter is a cautionary tale to begin with, and got into an accident. I live less then six miles away from my job and I was driving to work one morning and hit black ice. As the backend of the car started to slide out to the right I tried to correct and started to drift into the other lanes of traffic. At this point I over-corrected and flew the opposite direction crossed three lanes of rush hour traffic and hit the cement barrier. After I hit the barrier I bounced back across two lanes of traffic. While this was happening I remember seeing the cars speed past me and at one point one was headed directly towards me. For some unknown and freakishly lucky reason I did not get hit nor did I hit anyone else. I walked away unharmed, just a bit shaken up. 

Even after this happened I thought “how lucky was I to walk away from that accident completely okay, this is a sign that 2017 is going to be great”. I focused on how bad the accident could have been and how okay it was, I found peace and positivity in that. 

Things were fine even great for a while after that, so again it fed into my 2017 is great mantra.  

Things started to go downhill quickly after my best friend had a baby. I knew for months that she was pregnant, but the day she had her baby I felt alone and behind in life. See I was and still am single. I am 25 and no where close to starting a family of my own. Now logically I know that is not a problem– biologically I have ten years of prime fertile years, psychologically I know that people are getting married and having children at a later age, however none of this changed how I felt. I had a mental image in my head of what my life was going to look like, and I am now anywhere near to achieving it. At this point I started to slip into depression, which is something that I have struggled with since I was a teenager. 

On the day the baby was born I could not image waiting months to see him, so I immediately bought a plane ticket for the next weekend to fly down to visit my best friend and her newborn son. That entire week I tried to figure out if going down to visit my friend and her baby was the best decision for me personally. Even with all of my hesitation I made the trip to meet him. It was the best weekend and he is the sweetest boy. I came home 36 hours later enlightened, happy, optimistic, and every other positive feeling one could have. 

This was the last happy day I would have, even though it was already surrounded by sadness. 

You see I have/had two amazing cats. I was never a cat person, ever. I only got my first cat, Callahan, because my apartment building would not allow dogs and I wanted a pet. But after I met him I feel in love, he was my baby. A year later I got a second cat so he had a sister. Both of my pets are my children, I am not meaning to take anything away from those who do have their own children. However, in my life they are my children and I love them as such.

The next day my Callahan, my baby, got sick and within 15 hours he died. My world had just been turned upside down. I loved him more than anything. And he is gone.

This was two weeks ago today.

These past two weeks have been a series of ups and downs with more downs than ups. The weekends are the hardest, Callahan and I would snuggle all day while binge watching TV shows on Netflix. There are days where I just want to sink into my couch and not get up, days I want to sleep for hours upon hours, but then there are days where I do okay, days where I begin to make a new normal. Like I said it’s a series of ups and downs.

I am not looking for pity, or for encouraging words. But I am living with these intense feelings built up inside of me and I need to get them out somehow. My family and friends are there for me. But they look at me with these sad eyes that just radiate through my body. I just need a space to feel and to not see anyone else’s feelings in return. I hope that makes sense. 

At this point I do not think 2017 is going to be a good year. In fact I think it is going to be a bad year. It just feels like so many bad things have happened and I have felt so many bad things. I just want it to get better. 

 

 

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