Aftermath

I miss my husband, or should I say ex husband. It’s been quiet since he’s been out of town for the past few days, being alone gave me a chance to reflect on this relationship and us as individuals. I should have known better from the beginning, maybe if I did then we wouldn’t have wasted 2 years with each other. When I first met him I fell in love with the way he made me feel and I loved how he didn’t let prison lose his optimistic for life. I keep thinking about the memories from when everything was great, he made me feel special and loved. I really thought this was it, that I finally found someone to spend the remaining part of my life with. Now I feel regret because I chose to stay instead of letting him go. Back then I just loved the way he made me feel and wanted to be with him every day, I wanted to be the one to know and understand him and to love him like no other girl has. I was so happy with him I never really took the time to look at whether we were a good match, I didn’t take my time to understand him and how he is more. These past few days he hasn’t been home had me thinking a lot, I thought about him and about us and why our relationship failed. I know I love him and even though we’re not together anymore, I will always love him because the love I have for him will always be there and can never be erased. Everything is my fault, the cause of this relationship failing is because of me, because of my selfishness, and because I was too stupid to think and see things. I kept asking myself when did things become so bad, because we were great in the beginning but somewhere down the line we forgot how much we loved each other. I feel that back then when he chose me instead of Yuki was the wrong choice, for me and for him. He thought I was more important and so did I, I thought that having me was enough for him and that over time he would get over it but I was wrong. Now I realize that I was the one who he could lose without regret, not her. I remember a lot of our fights and arguments he would bring the subject of her up, reminding me that I made him choose and that he could have had someone to talk to but because of me he doesn’t have anyone to talk to when he’s upset or stressed. This just shows me that after the years we’ve been together he still thinks of her and hasn’t gotten over her. It hurts, it still hurts knowing that I ruined his life, that I couldn’t be the one to make him feel better when he’s upset, that I couldn’t be the one he can run and talk to when he’s stressed the way he did with her. I finally realized she was the one who helped him stay sane in his stressful life and all I am is the wrong choice he accidentally knocked up. Now I understand why no matter how much I cried and told him I wanted him to open up to me and talk to me, let me know what he’s thinking and what’s going on in his life and he still wouldn’t. I never thought I would have failed so much, I never thought that I would hit rock bottom in my love life. There were a lot of painful breakups before and I did cry a lot but it wasn’t difficult for me to get back up and move on. This breakup feels 100 times painful and being around him living in the same house makes it even more harder to get over him, knowing he’s probably moved on with other girls already. I hacked his Facebook and saw some things he’s been up to, which included smashing other girls and drugs. It hurts but I think that finding out about the real side of him and how fast he can forget about me to move on with new girls will give me more strength to stand my ground and not considering getting back with him. I’m glad he’s already moved on, I’m glad he’s not down and sad, crying over me because this gives me more reason to try harder to get over him. I wish there was a drug I could take and forget the memories of him. I feel so hurt, I’m mad but I know I don’t have a right to be mad or jealous or even have a say in what he does anymore. I want to go confront him about these girls and yell at him, I want him to be upset and not notice other girls, but I can’t. All I can do is cry myself to sleep and let the pain run its course, hoping time can move faster so I can get over him. I wish I didn’t feel anything right now, I wish I could numb my feelings and get rid of my emotions.

One thought on “Aftermath”

  1. Im sorry to hear your story. Everything Happens for a reason Ms. Vchau. I believe in every break-up, two people contributed to its end. You are already hurting now, and please don’t hurt yourself more and more by blaming yourself that it was all your fault.
    I hope you will bring your worries to God, (whoever your God is.. ) He has great plans for your future. Don’t let the jealousy, hurt, and guilt steal your happiness for tomorrow.
    In this life there are things that we can control by ourselves, and there are also other things that are out of our control. Other people’s feelings and actions, and many events in our lives are not in our control. We will just be disappointed if we force ourselves to control these things.What we can control is our own selves. Our reactions and attitude to every situation. I hope you will stand up again soon from your sadness and put a smile back into your face.

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