Day 3 of Break

Today I felt very tired, a bit unwilling to socialize, and generally not in the best mood. I was starting to think that Logan didnt miss me, and that he was having a great time on his cruise. I wanted to tell someone about our break so I told Jade. We didnt talk about it much on my request, but I imagine we’ll discuss it a bit more when I hang out with her tomorrow. I also ended up telling Angel. It felt relieving to tell someone.

I told Angel that one of my biggest (perhaps foolish) concern was our family+boyfriend camping trip this summer. If Logan and I broke up, the trip would be very awkward.

While Angel and I were watching netflix, Logan texted me. He said he’s okay and he hopes I’m okay too. And that this was harder than he anticipated. I was pleased he messaged me but at the same time I wish he hadnt. I’m relieved to know he misses me and that he’s struggling being away from me. But I dont want him to meddle in my solo journey I’m on right now. I already feel softer towards him, the relationship, and Comparison all because he messaged me saying he’s struggling. And that interferes in a way so that my conclusions at the end of this break arent organically mine – he influenced them merely by breaking our contract of no speaking.

I had to tell him good night three times before the conversation actually ended. He asked if I wanted to end/postpone the break, which I am surprised at. My answer was adamantly no; we committed to this and we took this break for very specific, important reasons. I warned him that he must only end the break on his terms when he comes to a full decision, not in the emotional moment of missing me.

I got pissed that Comparison’s IG bio says #S2018 #T2020. I feel territorial about those cities b/c they aspire to be like them and i guess it’s accessorizing other cultures. But I dont want to be bitter about it. I want to not care. And today I felt one step closer to that, if only temporarily. If they go there for school or whatever, then they are farther from me. but typing it now, i still feel a twinge of bitterness. 

I wonder on what terms should I go back into a relationship with Logan. Do i recommit because I solely feel the resolve to? Or should I only go back if he promises to never not listen again? Or if he promises to always try? Or leave only if he messes up a certain number of times again?

Do I want to end this break with a renewed patience for many more mistakes and forgiveness? Or only enough to tolerate a few mistakes?

Angel sent a selfie to Ammar and he replied “Wow, what a fucking cutie; etc etc”. I said Logan never really responds to my photos like that. In fact I dont often get compliments from him that I dont have to fish for with a selfie or something. Maybe it’s a natural part of relationships with age, but idk I still compliment him (though maybe we’re just different people). 

I just feel that if we were encountering these issues in the beginning of our relaionship he would throw in a hundred times more effort into assuring me how much he loves me and values me. In the beginning he was so excited and out-there. If he still loves me and loves me even more than he did in the beginning, why am I not seeing that kind of effort anymore?

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